Still Feeling Uneasy

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The uneasy feeling I blogged about the other day has yet to leave my side. It’s still lingering there next to me, and I can definitely feel it. It’s like a presence, some negative force that has moved in with me.

I feel like I have so much to say but I just don’t know exactly how to say it. I can’t help but wonder if I would be better off saying nothing at all. 

I’m just stuck in these feelings that I have. And I can’t seem to make sense out of them. I’m not quite sure if I even know how I feel. Everything is all jumbled together.

I feel like the walls are caving in again and I don’t know why. I thought I built up a new foundation that was stronger this time. But this bipolar depression is ready to tear the walls down again. 

I even saw my therapist today and I tried to explain everything to her the best that I could. She suggested, after asking lots of questions, that maybe this is just part of my illness. She asked if I needed to know why I was feeling like this that bad that I was going to spend hours searching for something that I may never be able to find. So I am trying to accept this for what it is and come to terms with the fact that there may not be a simple reason that is causing me to feel so low. 

I did mention that lately, I have been having a lot of flashbacks to a bunch of different things that have happened to me. My therapist suggested that maybe it is time to open those doors and start processing some of the traumatic things that have happened to me. So by my next appointment, my goal is to open up a door or two from the past. 

She also thinks that even though I do have suicidal thoughts, that I am going to be okay since I am reaching out for help any way I can. I have resorted back to self-harm. I feel like I am never going to be able to let that part of me go. It’s been my go-to since I was 12. That is a full two years before I even picked up my first drug or drink. It’s been almost 20 years since I picked up my first razor. That ‘s absolutely insane. 

Until Next Time…

Samantha 💙