Vent: Feeling A Little Down This Morning
So, highly unlike me lately, I did not sleep last night. I gave up trying to sleep around 3 or 4 am, so I decided to try working on my article a bit since it’s really long. (It’s a 25 entry baby name article.) After a while, I decided to take a break and started applying some makeup for the day. Yesterday, I felt amazing! Kind of on the manic side, but I have been rapid cycling so that only lasted until this morning.
All my bipolar friends may already know that typically after a manic episode you cycle into something else – at least I know that I do. While looking in the mirror, as hard as I tried to stay positive I just couldn’t do it. I started to get filled with so much self-hate. I got annoyed, agitated, irritable and sad.
Usually, I would grab for a Newport to calm down, but since I am serious about quitting smoking I grabbed some nicotine gum instead. (I am using the gum to start and occasionally my vape with 1.5 mg of nic in it, then after that, I am going to taper off after I hit about 2-4 weeks.) I just couldn’t stand to keep looking at myself. I wanted to take off all the makeup that I just spend some time putting on.
My boyfriend saw how my mood changed and he kept telling me how beautiful I am, and I did the polite thing and said thank you when all I really wanted to do was punch a mirror.
It just makes me feel angry that I let myself get upset over my own reflection – again. It’s been a while. At least these episodes don’t last as long as they used to.
Honestly, just being about to blog and vent is helping me get through this mini-episode that I put myself into.
Thanks for reading,
Until Next Time…