(Sorry about the duplicate post. I had problems with the last one so I had to redo this one)
It’s Been A Rough Day
Well, today has really turned out to be a crappy day after all. The big life-altering event I wanted to talk about — that I have briefly mentioned — is just yet another dream down the drain. Every time I dare to hope, Everything just ends up getting crushed.
I was looking forward to getting the bariatric weight loss surgery and had even attended a few appointments, but there were insurance problems. So, as of right now, it’s a no-go. It just sucks because no matter how hard I just my hardest I just cannot seem to lose the weight. I get so far and then plateau. I get stuck. I needed this for myself to get me over the initial hump so that I could have made it past where I get stuck at and then continue on with diet and exercise.
I honestly feel hopeless now. I feel like I will always be the fat girl.
As I am starting this entry I am at my first ever Cardiologist appointment to finally have someone fully go over my Holter monitor results. I can’t lie, I am a bit nervous. They just did an EKG, but I am sure that it part of a routine visit — I think.
I also feel like a total failure because I was so proud of myself for remaining smoke-free but then having a bad day topped with getting my dreams crushed, I caved and had someone very nice buy me a pack of Newports. Ugh, I am hating myself so much right now but I was losing it.
On top of smoking, I had such a bad day that I self-harmed. Yep, I guess I am not as strong as I thought I was. I wonder if this has anything to do with not sleeping. Or perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I was manic yesterday and now I am crashing.
So, I just left my Cardiology appointment and everything checked out well. I guess it’s normal for your pulse to bounce from the 30’s to the 150’s out of nowhere. At least That is one less thing to worry about.
So, back at home. Sorry for the multi-entry thing I’ve got going on here. I just keep continuing where I left off.
With my article, I am beyond backed up and getting nowhere. Now, I got an email from one of my editors that I messed up and need to redo a bunch of stuff. Now, I have 5 articles that are all LATE. I just don’t want to be an adult today. I don’t want to deal with everything right now. I just want to shut down and go to sleep, but I have so much to do right now that I am feeling completely overwhelmed.
With every high comes the crash. What goes up, must come down. And I am down. It’s been a while since I felt like this so I am trying to hold on to my stability since I now know what it feels like. I keep trying to tell myself that today is just a bad day, and that bad days happen. That tomorrow is a new day, and it will be better once I get some sleep and wake up.
Thanks for reading…
Until Next Time…
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.