I’m On A Mini-Mental Health Break 💝
I apologize for not posting anything recently. I had been in a bit a depressive episode, which has hopefully finally come to an end. I have been feeling great these past two days. I even managed to get out for a nice walk with my boyfriend today.
I was so low and I felt like no one understood how I was feeling no matter how hard I tried to explain myself. I just wanted to give up (again). I skipped on meetings, missed yet another therapy session. I hardly even left the house. Then Sunday night when my boyfriend came to check in our bedroom to check on me he gave me a hug, which I really needed, and then talked with me until 4 am–which I also really needed.
The next day, I drank a cup of coffee and finally decided to get my rear end in the shower. I felt so much better almost immediately. You know how depressive episodes can go… you just don’t want to do anything. Afterward, I started cleaning up a bit–which I have been seriously slacking on.
Saturday night, I had emailed two of my editors–only two because I basically had to give up on one site because I just couldn’t do three anymore, which makes me feel horrible because I feel like in some way that I have failed myself–and I asked if I could postpone my articles by a few days. One editor got back to me the next day saying that it was fine, while the other one never answered me back regarding that matter.
I had decided to take a mini-mental health break because I was literally driving myself crazy while trying to do so much. I couldn’t handle it and took too much on, especially feeling the way that I had been feeling. This was much needed! It took me until today, with help from my dad, to finish an article that was due Friday. I felt accomplished, even with help because I knew I needed it when I was finally able to get pics for that article and submit it.
I started working on another overdue article today and am happy with the progress I have made. I had some serious writer’s block! I couldn’t even post anything on here. At least this time I was able to journal about my feelings. Sometimes when I get depressed I can’t even journal.
I need to keep in mind that it doesn’t matter who I lost in life because what matters is who I still have and that they all really do love me. I wanted to contact my mom so bad over the weekend. Then when I woke up Monday morning, I asked myself why. Why? Because she is the women that stole one of the loves of my life when I would have been able to eventually keep him in the end. But whatever, that’s fine. She apparently needed him more than I did. She is the one who never told me that our family dog got put down.
She was the one that cast me out without a word. Without letting me defend myself and what I believed in and why I was making the choice that I was making. Maybe I would have stayed there had she not been so cold the last few weeks that I was there. She talked shit about me while I was in the room and could clearly hear her. This is why it has never been a good idea for me to live with her. We were always okay as long as I wasn’t under her roof. I am an adult. I have the choice to do what I want in my life. It doesn’t matter if that choice was right or wrong. It’s just a shame that she couldn’t be like, “I don’t support what you’re doing technically, but I still love you.”
My best friend, my dad and his family, my other sister, and a few other people all said that they will still love me in the end. They kept true to their word. That’s all I wanted from my mom and my siblings was for them to say, “I don’t like what you’re doing, but I still LOVE YOU.” When I am stable, I am able to see that in a loving family would have never cast another member out so easy. I get it, they are most likely better off without me. My mom will die one day, and they will probably never tell me.
I can at least say that when it comes down to it, that despite what they did to me or what I did to them, I still love them.
Thanks for reading!
Until next time…
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.