So, if you couldn’t already tell, I have been sinking back into a depressive episode since my head injury. I guess I can finally admit
that I got into a fight with someone I know and I started pushing him and hitting him—let’s just say that I wasn’t very nice. In my eyes, he deserved it 100 percent at the time. But hey, that’s a bipolar temper for you. And he got fed up and shoved me a bit too hard and I flew back, fell and hit my head on a basically a concrete floor. I think he felt bad, but still. No matter how much a woman is coming at a man, he should never use force against them. That is… unless she is coming at him with a weapon, then he has the right to defend himself long enough to stun her but not majorly hurt her.
With that being said, I had a major mood shift. I have been miserable, mean, intolerable, depressed, just basically every negative emotion you can think of. I realized today that I have three options: •1• Surrender to the depressive episode, the anger, and the frustration and let it consume me whole •2• Hop a plane to Florida and run away from my feelings (knowing that running never does any good) or just hide out away from everyone for awhile •3• Fight back and do whatever I have to do to keep it from consuming me.
My goal is to find some way, some miracle to get to option •3• even though I have considered •2• but in reality, I have really been stuck at •1• Does that make any sense to anyone? It makes sense to me…
I don’t know how to fight back right now, but I finally realized I cannot get better if I try to do it all on my own, so I have been reaching out for help. I confessed every single emotion that I am going through to my sponsor. She was completely understanding. I had sworn off meetings but ended up back at one today. I even spoke a bit, which is challenging for me because I have such bad social anxiety. I wasn’t able to fully speak my true thoughts, but it was a start. At least I gave it a shot and stated that I was hurting.
It took everything I had to pull through my episode in December. I don’t even know if I have recuperated long enough to go through it again, yet. I can either try to fight or do what I failed to do last time. There are so many different scenarios running through my head right now.
People who don’t understand what a bipolar depressive episode is like, are probably thinking, “Just get over it.” Or, “I can deal with stuff why can’t you?” Those are two things that you NEVER want to say to anyone who is dealing with depression, yet I hear it all the time. One day soon, I am going to create a post about that. Do people really think they are helping when they say those things? They hurt more than anything. ‘Just get over it’ is something that can push people over the edge that much further when they feel like their world is crashing down on them. Not everyone deals with things the same. Mental illness is a tricky thing that some people are stuck with for life—like me.
Lately, I have felt the major urge to just say f*ck it and give up on everything. I told my sponsor that I didn’t see a use in fighting anymore because nothing ever changes. It will always come back to this. To these episodes, and these unpleasent feelings. What goes up, must come down. And f*ck, I am down, but I was definitely up and got to experience pure happiness for a change. I was great for the first time in a very long time. I worked my ass off to get there, just to watch everything crumble literally overnight. 😪
I am extremely mad and have tons of hate for, well, me for letting myself slip back into this black hole. Maybe if I would have done one thing, just one simple thing, different then I wouldn’t be feeling this hurt, pain, and anger that I feel right now. I’m angry about things that I thought I had let go of. I feel like such a f*ck up.
I am such a horrible person that my own family (on my maternal side) doesn’t even want me. They must seriously hate me and they would probably be beyond thrilled to know that I am feeling this low (again).
If they would get a call that I finally grew some balls and offed myself, they would probably bring out the liquor and greenery… I know that sounds like an exaggeration but in my head, that is truly what I think. If I could say one thing to them, it would be, “I’m sorry that I let you down.”
Thanks for reading my vent.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.