This concussion is really screwing with my mood. How do I go from being perfectly fine, happy, and stable to reverting back to feeling this… whatever this state of mind is now? It’s like I wake up just to use the bathroom (it is currently 6:30 am) and all of a sudden I am getting flashbacks to everything that has been traumatizing to me since as far back as I can remember.
My flashbacks are not just memories of still pictures or videos within my mind, but it drags me back to that moment in time when it happened as if I were being transported back to the past with some warped time machine. It drags up all the pain and emotions I felt. It doesn’t matter if I was numb as it was happening to me because it also brings back how I felt when the realization or reality of the situation hit me as well.
I have been having trouble recalling words, what I ate, or even what I did during the day. But now my mind is playing at full speed with this unpleasant crap like it’s trying to say, “Ah ha, I am still functioning because I remember this… and this… do you remember how it felt to go through this—”
I just want it to stop. I took my new antianxiety med as well as the muscle relaxer I was prescribed at the ER due to my injury. Even that didn’t fully help as well as I would have liked it too. So, on top of that, I have this natural supplement for anxiety called Gaba-Val, and I took that as well. I don’t want to deal with this at almost 7 am. I just wanted to sleep. It seems like I can sleep all day lately except for when I really need it to take me away from reality.
I know I should not be relying on pills 💊 to get rid of every unpleasant feeling, but sometimes I feel like that is the only way I can get some relief. It’s not like I am abusing them—anymore. I am just mixing them. I know… that’s really not any better.
At least by blogging, I am getting things off my chest which really is beneficial and therapeutic for me. I could be writing in my own personal journal, but I prefer to type, anyway.
Thanks for reading,
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.