Ever since Monday night, I have been fighting with so much frustration, anger, and rage. I am not quite sure what it is even all directed at or who. I know some of it is towards myself for regressing so far from everything I have been working my ass off for. I was so happy and content these past few months. Why is a stupid head injury affecting my mood so much?! 😳
I have been trying my typical coping skills and mechanisms but none of them seem to be working well enough to get out all of these feelings and emotions that are plaguing me right now. The only thing I haven’t really been able to do is to sit down with my own personal journal to get things off of my chest. I am not sure why either. The last time that happened was during my major depressive episode around Christmas.
I really hope that is not what I am heading towards again because that was a dark period of time for me. I don’t want to go back there, but I can feel myself being pulled toward it like a giant magnetic force. Or a wave that is pulling me under further and further down under the surface in the middle of the ocean. I feel like I am drowning again. Will these feelings ever subside for good? Is it because I am bipolar or something totally unrelated this time? I just feel like screaming, punching something or someone, or resorting back to unhealthy coping mechanisms. This shit just never goes away and I am growing so tired of it.
I just got up to the point where I thought life is so worthwhile but every damn time I get sucked back down into the hole of despair. I haven’t even been to a meeting all week despite all the opportunities I have had with some very nice women in recovery. I just don’t really want to be bothered right now. I haven’t even really been bothering my best friend to spend time with her, I don’t think she realizes that though. No one seems to notice when I start backing away from everyone until I am in crisis mode and everyone is scrambling to try to get me to move or leave the house.
I should be in an excellent mood too because I got a very nice email regarding my first article for The Talko. I should be so happy and proud of myself, but I just cannot seem to find the joy in it right now. I will admit, I was in a good mood at first because after I went back to bed after my PTSD drama (Waking Up To Flashbacks), I woke up to this email on the left. 👉
I am seriously hoping this is a temporary and very short-term mood shift. Something that I am not going to have to deal with for a month or three. That is too long to have to deal with unsettling emotions again. I just don’t have the time, patience, and the effort to want to deal with that mess again.
Well, I guess I will try doing something productive.
Thanks for reading my vent!
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.