I figured that before I get to work, I would write for Wacky Wednesday. I apologize for not blogging as much, but it hard trying to do it alone (temporarily) and I have been completely busy. I may not take on any articles on over the weekend so that I can catch up on here.
The past 7 days have been a mixture of writing, meetings, therapy, and some randomized events. I have actually been kind of busy. By last night I was so beat that I actually went to bed around 9 pm – which is not like me at all. I’ve been getting up early every morning to start working on my latest article or outline. Yesterday I got up at 4 am, and today at 5 am.
It’s been slightly difficult to stay away from alcohol with St. Patty’s day last weekend, and then when I had been feeling overwhelmed, my thoughts had started to wander to how nice it would be to feel messed up. I honestly do not care who thinks I am crazy for giving up alcohol, but I couldn’t keep going the way I was going. My depressive episodes don’t come around as often now that I am sober. I don’t have to worry about waking up the next day after a crazy night out and having to do damage control anymore.
There have actually been so many different benefits that I am starting to take notice to. I know that abstaining from drinking is what I needed to do. Alcoholism runs in my family, even my dad is 20 years sober. I want to get to that point. I know I have to take it one day at a time, though. I don’t want to end up like my Aunt Laura or my ex, who died because they chose to continue drinking. June will be one year since my aunt passed away.
It will be 7 months on March 27, 2018, since the last time that I have consumed alcohol.
To help me out this week, I was able to make it to two AA meetings with my sponsor. We took some time out before our last meeting Saturday to read the Big Book, the 12 and 12, and to work on the steps. It really helps me, not even will feel the same. But I always come back in a better mood and a better outlook on life – even my boyfriend sees it.
I have been trying to be more positive in general. I learned a one-minute mindfulness meditation from a book I have been reading, and it really helps. I do plan on posting it soon, so stay tuned! I have been pretty stable for the most part this past week. Minus a few setbacks.
One of this setbacks was that I had to come to terms with, again and again, is the fact that I was told I could never have kids when I was just 19-years-old. I try to act okay with it – which some days I am. But some days it really breaks my heart. Finding out that people I know are expecting a baby or friends talking about their kids makes me feel like crap. I feel like they intentionally rub it in my face, but in reality, I know that they are not actually doing that and that it is all in my head.
Having a baby is one experience that I will never get to go through. I have been pregnant on rare occasions, but I can’t make it out of the danger zone.
I am so sick of people telling me that having kids isn’t as great as it seems. But it’s easy for them to say when they have kids. I am 31-years-old, and I feel incomplete. I don’t know if that will ever go away. I am going to die one day, and there will be no one to miss me or remember me. No one to carry on my DNA. My life will have been meaningless, and pointless unless I can do something great.
I have this burning desire to do something great with my life with the time I still have left on this Earth. I just don’t know what that will be. I am in the beginning stages of writing a book. Well, rewriting a manuscript that I created when I was 18 or 19-years-old. Maybe I can make that my something great.
Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment below on how your week has been going! I would love to hear from you!
“That which does not kill you, will only make you stronger.”
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.