Self-Injury: Gary’s Story
What could possibly cause a person to pick up a knife, or a razor blade and purposely cut themselves? Different people have different reasons for doing this.
I am not sure of the exact age I was when I began cutting, but I know it was either 15 or 16 and continued into my 20’s. I was always depressed and had a very low self-esteem. I also had a very unhealthy fascination with death. Whenever the world around seemed like too much for me, the one thing that always made me feel better was the thought that I could just end it all, that is something I have power over.
Cutting was kind of the same thing I knew it was my body and I could do whatever I wanted to it, and that was something I actually had control over. There was another strange side to cutting, it seemed to give me some sort of release, that I don’t even know how to put into words.
There were times when I cut myself so bad that I had to hide it for a long time, I even needed 5 stitches in my wrist once. Today I am 50 years old and I still have scars to remind me of the pain that I lived through.
From a very young age, I would shut myself in very dark places. Some kids are so afraid of the dark but for me, it was my friend. I wanted to be where nobody in the world could see me or reach me, that was the only time I really felt safe.
My wish every single night at bedtime was to not wake up. I still struggle today with depression, but I am long past hurting myself. I have a good life that was well worth waiting for, but there are times when I still like to draw back into this dark secluded place in my mind, where I can be alone.
If anybody that is reading this is battling depression and the desire to do yourself harm to yourself, please know that you are not alone.
You can even email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will do my best to get back to you as soon as possible. Or do not ever be afraid to call a crisis center. Don’t be ashamed of who you are.