When Your Disorder Wins

Right now, I hate being bipolar. Bipolar |3| Samantha |0|. I know I frustrate the very few people I have left, and I don’t know how to stop myself lately. I haven’t been okay since before August. I know all the right things to do, how to manage my mood, how to STFU… knowing is one thing but being able to implement it when you’re not in the right state of mind is another. I hate that I hurt the feelings of the people I love.

How I hurt them is nowhere near how I hurt me. I might appear to be okay the next day, but I’ll beat myself up for a week about it. Then repeat the process. I just need to stop talking. Maybe my therapist is wrong and I shouldn’t try to talk my feelings out because I always say the wrong thing. That may work for some people, but that just gets me into my trouble than anything.

I act on emotion and not logic. How do I change that? Like I said, I know the tips and the tricks and I can teach the world but I cannot seem to accomplish those things for myself. I may try a technique that works for a little, and that continues to work for most – but then I will think I am okay and all cured and stop using that technique. Then I will fly out of control sooner or later and have to, yet again, repeat the process.

I am just dumb I guess. I made a big deal out of something that happened earlier. To me, it is a big deal. I know I over exaggerate, but it’s hard to explain. My mind freezes on that one thought and nothing else comes through. I need to be able to vent and process that thought before I can move on from it, which I always do. Sometimes it happens quick, and other times not so quick.

I hate to admit this right now, but I really miss my mom. She was the only one that could help me process through things quickly. I am back to crying over my family every now and again too. Why? I thought I was over that s***. I just want to learn how to let go… of anything and everything that is harmful to my mental health. I am sick of getting looked at like I am crazy. I am still a f****** human being like everyone else. I just feel emotions to an extreme level that can get turned on and off like a light switch. Maybe I a crazy. I open up to people and then feel like it was the wrong thing to do. Should I just stay quiet?

It’s cliché, I know, but I seriously feel like my life is not my own anymore. Has it ever been? This isn’t an “in the moment” thought either. I feel like this all the time. It is like I am sitting in the passenger seat of a car while someone else is driving and no matter how hard I try, I cannot regain control of the vehicle (my life) any longer. Does anyone else ever feel like this? I need someone to tell me that I am not alone like I tell everyone else that they are not alone.