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My Bipolar Insomnia: 1-31-18 @ 3 am

My mind is wide awake and racing with a million things, but physically I feel exhausted. I should probably try to lay in bed, but I know that I would just lay there staring at the ceiling. I have been staying up until all hours of the morning lately (again) and then getting up a few hours later only to nap again shortly after. My naps feel like they are hours when they are really about a half an hour. 

I should be doing something productive but instead, I am sitting at my desk and messing around online. I have an outline I have to do, along with some other things, but I just don’t feel like it since I spent the entire day writing an article.

photo-1499244571948-7ccddb3583f11228060324.jpegAfter talking to my best friend tonight and sharing ideas, I am incredibly excited to get started on cleaning up this site. I am so glad I brought back ‘My Bipolar Mind’ because it just feels right. That uneasy feeling I used to have every time I looked at this site and what I transformed it into are gone. My workload –  when it comes to writing and creating articles – is going to double; however, I am up for the challenge. I really hope that everything me and the bestie want to do works out well for us. I have this gut feeling that it well – so I hope my gut is right (this time).

I am going to have to learn how to budget my time better, which I am terrible at doing. My therapist has been on me about creating a schedule and trying to stick to it for some time now. I am not so good at following through when I do attempt to put myself on to a schedule or try creating a routine.

I know this is going to sound a bit crazy, but if I create a schedule and set everything up to where I’ll get up at 9am, do my typical morning things like use the bathroom and try to wake up, then have it set that from 9:30 am until noon I am going to be working on an article – I would feel the need to do everything on time and then if I go over by five minutes I’d probably start freaking out because now I am backed up for the rest of the day. Then I would just throw out the schedule and start doing whatever I want, whenever I want once again.

mpho-mojapelo-109897I am very weird when it comes to times. I have to know what is going to happen and at what time when it comes to someone coming over or me going out with someone so I can plan accordingly even though I don’t have anything else planned out. Okay, so writing that… I get it, I sound peculiar. It drives Jazmine nuts. She already knows that if we plan on hanging out, I have to know what time. I am constantly looking at clocks, even though I still lose track of time. How does that even happen? Like, for instance, right now I know it’s 3 am, the last time I looked at the clock – which feels like it was only 10 minutes ago – it was about 1:45 am.

writing-and-coffeeI get so wrapped up, almost like hyper-focused in doing certain things that I don’t even notice anything else going on or how long I have been at it. I don’t know if that is my ADD or my bipolar disorder. I have a million little things I want to do right now such as work on this site, brainstorm some topics to write about, work on my outlines, start on my next article, read a book, journal, create poetry, start writing a book… the list is endless. I just want to start on everything all at once. I feel like I need to do it all, and I need to do it right now. However, I do have a bit of logic creeping through this manic thinking and I know that If I start on something or try to do too many things at once, I am not going to finish any of it.

Well, I supposed I should either try laying down or attempt to do something productive!


Samantha View All

Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog

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