Merry Christmas Eve

I have spent days now typing up blog post after post and deleting it or never finishing it. I have been doing the same with journal entries; writing them and then ripping them out. The same with article and letters. I am at a total loss for words, I guess you could say. I turned in one article in 7 days. That is really bad. I should be excited too. I mean, it’s the holidays and my dad and his family are here from Florida. I have an amazing job. My relationship is going great. I have an amazing best friend. But a lot is still missing right now.

I feel like I am missing. I am just sitting back and accepting everything, Watching life pass me by. Is this real? Is it? Is any of it real? Nodding, smiling, laughing, crying. I am a whirlwind of emotions and feelings. My mom sent me a Christmas card, and I am stuck trying to decode something that may not even be there. I tried to call my therapist before the holidays because I just need someone to sit with me while I cry and listen to me, and tell me that it’s okay.  That I can make it through this because I don’t feel like I can.

It’s the holidays and I am missing the maternal side of my family: My mom, Melissa, Jeremy, and Jamie. I realized that, for me, this shit that’s going on is way past just them not liking my spouse. It’s my entire f-ing life. It’s everything that I have ever been through. And everything that I have stuffed down, and pushed away is rising up. And I just don’t know what to do with it right now.

My “outlets” are no longer an outlet  I don’t know how to get this shit out of me. Talking isn’t work, writing is impossible, now I see why so many many people choose to disappear during the holidays.

It took me until very recently to realize that my downed mood isn’t just about my situation that just happened in August-October it’s about everything in a whole. Why it chooses now to come out I have no idea.

I need to break and unravel the old me by the time the New Year hits because I am not trying to live like this any longer. I am sick of being miserable, broken, helpless, walked on, used up, and tossed out. I need to get my shit together.

Feeling like this is either gonna kill me or give me the motivation I need to make a change. Sometimes there really is no middle ground or gray area. I’ve spent the past week trying to isolate while a friend has been dragging me out finally.

She has helped me, these past three days, see in deeper into the stuff involving my mom and within what this friend helped me though, is where I found that the roots go deeper than I ever thought.

I have to stop thinking I can do things myself. I have had that told to me several times today. I just have to sit here and admit that I need help.

–Samantha♥