**Note: I wrote this earlier in the day before everything went to crap, but it was my first decent post in a while, so I took it out of the trash and decided to post it anyway.**
So, it is almost 10 am and I have yet to go to sleep. I have been up working on an article and creating outlines for future articles. I actually had a decent weekend (minus Friday night). I was in desperate need of a few days where I didn’t feel like complete crap and horrifyingly depressed, especially after the living hell I was put through Friday night. I wish I could talk about what happened, but I really can’t. It broke me down and left me feeling defeated, alone, and completely depressed. I just need to get it out, but I can’t and it’s for a good reason. I don’t want to piss anyone off or make anyone feel bad, even though I had felt an overwhelming sense of catastrophic dread like everything was falling apart again and like the walls were closing in on me and suffocating me to death.
I basically spent the entire weekend working on articles. I am trying to get as many as I can in before Christmas hits. Although the pay period for the holiday is technically over, It would be nice to bring in the New Years financially stable. I think I literally only left the house once or twice over the entire weekend, and not for long periods of time either. I think Saturday, Jazmine and I went to pick out some gifts, and I may have gone with Mike just to get some Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. I lead a very exciting life if you couldn’t already tell. 😀
I honestly do have to start getting out more because I am not a very active person anymore. I spend most of the day sitting in an office chair, at my desk, with my eyes glued to my laptop screen. It’s no wonder I am getting so fluffy. I cannot expect to be losing weight if the only exercise I get it lifting food to shovel in my mouth. My goal is going to be trying to get another gym membership. However, since I highly lack motivation if it does not have to do with writing, I am not even sure I would use it. I would maybe go to the gym for a week to a month tops before I get bored with, get too lazy to continue going, or pile a ton more articles onto my plate to the point where I am lucky if I have enough time to walk to the mailbox.
My editor just congratulated me on how well two of my articles are going! I am beyond excited for them because one of my polygamy articles (Is One Mom Enough? 15 Pics Of Polygamists- Article Link ) is at 1.5 MILLION views, and then my other article about what unborn babies hate in their mom’s stomach (15 Things Unborn Babies Hate Inside Moms Stomach- Article Link) is at 1.3 MILLION views!! I just cannot believe it! Yay! I guess sometimes good things really can happen when you least expect it. I have never had articles perform THIS well before. I have a few reach a little over a million views, but not to 1.5! I am hoping it will make it to the 2 Million mark. That would be unthinkable for me!
I am not very good at remaining positive, so maybe before I have a bunch of negative things I am dying to bring up- I will try to leave this post on a good note; While I have had a lot of shitty things happen to me within a short period of time, I know that things can get better if I continue to hang on to whatever I can to keep myself alive. I know that I have a few people that love and care about me, but I also know that I have to find some way to try to love myself too. I have so much love to give, but I don’t give any of it to myself. I am not going to lie and say that after two decent days I am cured and from here on out it’s nothing but blue sky’s, because we all know it doesn’t work like that; mental illness doesn’t work like that, and whether I hate it or love, I have to face the fact that I am hopelessly bipolar and that is never going to change. I have to try to find the positives in every day when the only thing I feel like doing is dying. I will probably start to feel like shit at some point today, but maybe I’ll have it in me to remember to look back at this post for reassurance that good things really can happen, no matter how small they are- like my articles doing fantastic!
Actually, I do have one more quick subject to bring up. If by chance anyone out there does actually read this post, and they are going through some rough times and feels completely alone; you’re not alone. It’s easier to realize that you are not alone when you are in a content state of mind, or for us Bipolar people- when we are baseline, but there is always someone that knows what you are going through because they have been there too. I have been there off and on for as long as I can remember. Mental illness is not unique; millions of people deal with it every day. If you can’t find anyone to talk to, there are things like the crisis prevention center or warmline. Crisis intervention even has a textable number now. There are online forums like Psych Central. There is almost always at least one other option.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.