A Positive Change
I wish I would have blogged the other day when I had nothing but good things to say. I actually think I did but feel asleep midway and deleted it the next day. Mike had paid for me to get my nails done and for me to get a haircut (which is something that I have not had done it at least two years now). I actually like the way my hair looks now, which is odd for me because as you all very much well know, I do not like anything about myself usually.
The day I got my hair and nails done, I was actually very happy and felt kind of pretty for a change. Even if I really only like the way I look in my Snapchat pics, it’s still a start. Before the haircut, I was unable to wear my hair down because it would just turn into a big puffy ball of frizz. Now, that is the only hairstyle I want to use. I don’t even have to use my straightener to try to make it look decent. For someone like myself with major self-esteem issues, the change in how I feel is welcomed.
However, I find that I am still technically unable to look at myself in the mirror without feeling frustrated. I know that seems really weird since I love my Snapchat photos. But Snapchat has all of those amazing filters, so it is still kind of like a mask to me. I feel like don’t even look like myself (which is a good thing) as long as I am using a filter.
To my surprise, Thanksgiving went really well. I was expecting the waterworks to start when I woke up because it was my first holiday without my family, but the tears never came. Mike and I got up around 10am and he started cooking right away. We, well Mike, had made the turkey the previous day because we decided to start our own tradition. Since neither of us is too fond of just plain old turkey, even if you add gravy, we decided that we were going to make turkey sandwichs instead. Ironically, we don’t like turkey but we like turkey sandwiches.
We ended up eating really early. I think it was somewhere around 11 am. Unfortunately, I took on an article for turkey day, so I didn’t get a chance to spend quality time with Mike for the holiday. I also took quite a few naps after eating that amazing turkey sandwich. Later on in the day we also set up our Christmas tree and decorated it, which is something we haven’t done in years. When I was growing up it was basically a holiday tradition to put the tree up on Thanksgiving. Growing up, we also never had a real Christmas tree since my brother was allergic to them. Plus, the fake trees are not messy. When we set up the tree, Mike put it on some kind of board with wheels. (This is going to sound weird as all hell, but I simply cannot remember what those things are called! Cart?) So, if we really wanted to we could move the tree to different spots all over the apartment. It sounds odd, I know, but it is a genius idea.
I am hoping that Christmas goes just as smoothly, although I am not getting on it since Christmas is a much bigger, family time holiday, At least, it was in my household.
Despite having ups, I am still having a lot of downs and last night I just started to feel completely defeated by life. I felt more alone than I have in a long time. A certain situation arose, which I don’t want to talk about, and that took just about everything I had left in me. I am not looking toward the future with eagerness. My outlook is pretty bleak. I feel like everything I have been hanging on to, to try to keep my sanity just isn’t cutting it anymore.
Defeated is the absolute perfect way to describe how I am feeling. I started this blog entry last night while I was feeling down and going through my little drama, and usually when I wake up the next day everything is fine and the feelings of defeat go away— but my feelings of defeat have not lifted.
For some odd reason, after last night, I feel paranoid as well. Everything just turned into such a big mess and things were out of my control and now I feel like I may lose one of the two people I have left, I don’t know maybe it’s just paranoia, but I wouldn’t be able to deal with that. I have this heavy sinking feeling weighing on my chest, and I don’t know how to ease it. My Atarax definitely is not enough to keep this anxiety at bay either.
When I first woke up and got online to check my BabyGaga stats, I was excited because I had two articles reason 1 million views overnight. Now I just want to curl up in a ball and go back to sleep. My energy just completely, and totally drained.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.