•••I Don’t Know If I Am Strong Enough•••
If my spelling/typing are horrendous, it is because I am using my cell phone to blog tonight, or shall I say morning since it’s almost 4 am? Lol. I had to stay up late again tonight because, for the life of me, I could not find one person to proofread my article for me. When it’s someone else’s writing I can easily spot their errors, but when it comes to me trying to proofread my own writing, I end up overlooking so much.
So, I had to try doing it alone which means I had to go over it 3x and I will probably still missed a whole bunch. I wonder if that happens to anyone else, or if it’s just me? I also have the habit of typing words backward somehow, even mixing up an entire sentence. As an example, if I were to type, hi how are you, it would come out as you are how hi. I have no idea where that comes from.
On another note, I am booked solid with articles, and do not even have a day off until next Wednesday. Just because I don’t have kids or a “9 to 5” job, it does not mean that I am never busy. I’ll to 1-2 articles a day, and have a minimum of 1 appointment a week. Writing is my job and even that is starting to make me feel drained. I don’t have the same attitude toward it that I once had. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I still love what I do, just maybe a little less. I’m definitely not resigning anytime soon, I’m hoping to work with BabyGaga for a long time.
Writing keeps me busy and out of my head so much. It could take me anywhere between 4 – 24 hours to write an article (depending on what it’s about) which is pretty horrid I guess. I also think maybe my “people pleasing” flaw is getting a tad bit out of control, because I will drop what I am doing, even if I am on a time crunch, to help everyone else out. The one day it was so bad because I just pushed off my own article, and started helping Jazmine, and then Crystal with their articles. I didn’t even get to start my own until after midnight and I didn’t get to finish it until after 8 am. I keep doing this to myself over and over again.
(I had to switch to my laptop because it took me an hour to get this far!) I don’t think it’s normal that I keep dropping my stuff to help everyone else out. I tend to want to help others and I will even put their needs first before my own. I have done it my entire life, and it is such a hard habit to break free from.
Last night when I was reading Jazmine’s Personal Blog post, it was truly saddening. [Click on the link to be taken to her post.→You Will Always Be Missed] Maybe it was sad to me because I knew him. Wade, Jazmine, and I would all go hang out together. Her post actually made me cry. His death really affected me too because of everything that I had been through a lifetime ago. [Clich on the link for an explanation of why it really bothered me→Overdose: It Can Happen To Anyone, At Any Age] I hope that @jazminegonzalez87 knows that I will always be here for her! It is just a sad thing that this happened to her kids, and to herself. I know that Wade loved her and his kids more than almost anything in this world; I say almost anything because he seemed to love heroin more, otherwise he would still be here right now.
I don’t like admitting this because I don’t want the minimal amount of people in my life to worry about me, or even to get me admitted to the psych ward again, but every night lately when I go to bed, I pray that I don’t wake up. I feel like I keep taking blow after blow. If it’s not one thing then it’s another lately, and I am just so sick of dealing with it. I can’t help but wonder if the grass is greener on the other side. Between my family ditching me and then stealing my dog, the m/c, my mom putting my childhood dog down without them telling me or even asking me if I wanted to see him one last time, and everything else, I don’t want to do this anymore; I don’t know if I am strong enough to be able to do this anymore. But I guess I have to be.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.