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You Will Always Be Missed

I decided I will share my story of what happened to my children’s father. Our story begins way back when I was just 14-years-old. I had a friend tell me this cute boy moved to town and she wanted me to meet him because I was sad, she thought it would cheer me up. I remember that day like yesterday, even down to the flip flops that I was wearing because he loved them so much and complimented me on them. I went up to my old elementary school in the playground to meet him. I was very shy at first but after talking with him for a little bit I felt very comfortable. We went for a walk together and ended up going into the woods by my house. We sat on a log and talked for hours. Once it was dark he walked me home and gave me a kiss goodbye; this was the beginning of our love story.

The very next day we spent the day together again and then every day after that; we were inseparable. I had a tough childhood and my mother had just kicked me out. I was going through so much, he was my savior. I hated every minute that we weren’t together. We would both wake up bright and early and stay with each other until we had to go home. We talked about running away together but didn’t know where we would go, we just wanted to get away and be together forever. I became pregnant a few months later when I was 15. We both worked and saved up money, we were so excited! We had our first beautiful baby boy and we named him after him, Wade.

We decided we would finally leave the state and start a new life for our family. I left with him at the age of 16, to North Carolina, a whole 14 hour drive away from everyone that I have ever known. I didn’t think twice about it we packed up and moved the very next day after talking about it. His mother and stepfather were living down there and we moved in with them and helped pay the bills. I tried to go to school but they wouldn’t let me since I had no guardian to sign me in, so I got a full-time job. I loved it down there, I really did, but there were days I would stand on our front porch and just cry, knowing I had nowhere to go because I had no family or friends. Everything was going great until he started robbing houses and even a car. Months later the cops came to our house and I broke down watching them take him away in handcuffs; this was the first time but it certainly wouldn’t be the last.

They didn’t have too much evidence on him and they let him come home a few days later. They called us the next day and said they weren’t supposed to release him, but since it was a Friday they told us to enjoy the weekend and bring him in Monday morning; yea right like we were going to do that! We packed up and took off in the middle of the night to move back to our hometown. He was now on the run, so it was up to me to work several jobs at once to pay our bills. I also forgot to mention when he got arrested I started getting sick all of the time, but thought it was stress; I was wrong, I was pregnant with our second child at the age of 16. I was scared but I embraced it.

We had our little girl and life was going good, but of course for us that never lasted long. We had our own apartment, someone ended up calling child services for things he was doing while I was at work. They showed up at night time and demanded that we take drug tests the next day. This would be the second time that we pack up all of our belongings and move out within 24 hours. I went for my drug test but he didn’t go for his because he was on the run. We moved in with my dad with the two kids and then find out I’m pregnant again. People used to joke with Wade and tell him he shouldn’t look at me because I will get pregnant. I was only 18 and I was so scared to have another child. I went to the abortion clinic with Wade, I stayed up crying the whole night before. When they did the ultrasound we freaked out, Wade said, “No we can’t do this, there’s a whole baby in there, it has hands and feet, a whole body!” We walked out and I made a doctors appointment, I found out I was already almost five months pregnant.

We had our baby, it was a boy. Wade and I started going out more on the weekends since we had a babysitter, my father, which was something we didn’t have before. We had so much fun together, we would go to parties and hang out with friends. We would smoke weed, drink, have long fun nights on ecstasy together. I was able to go out on weekends and have my fun, but I would also make sure I went to work all week and took care of the kids. It was not the same for him, he became consumed with drinking and doing drugs. We would start fighting all the time and it would get pretty bad. The one night we were arguing outside and he pushed me. The neighbor called the police and they wanted to arrest him since there was a witness that he hit me, but of course I lied and said he didn’t.

It finally came to the point where I just couldn’t do it anymore. It broke my heart because I still loved him, but I loved my children more and I knew this type of behavior was not good for them. He went crazy, he followed me everywhere, he would show up at my window in the middle of the night drunk, he couldn’t take it. He even told me that he had a gun and had it pointed at me when I was outside of school one day. He said he thought about killing me, because if he couldn’t have me then no one else can. I eventually ended up getting with someone else and that made him snap even more. He harassed my boyfriend and did so many terrible things. He would cry to me saying how sorry he was and that he couldn’t live without me. A few months later he got caught with drugs and the robbery charges from North Carolina was brought up. He was extradited to North Carolina, they were so happy they finally found him, it made headlines. He was gone for four years and wrote to me constantly. He would fill my head with so many things and tell me how much he loved me.

He must have brainwashed me because when he came home I broke up with my boyfriend and gave him another chance. It was good for about a month, but he was a changed person. Prison really did a number on him. He treated me even worse than before. One night he took my car and our son woke me up and said, “Mommy the cops have daddy.” I opened my eyes and seen red and blue lights flashing on my walls. I look out and there he is on the ground with the cops holding guns to him. I go running out in my tiny shorts and tank top in the cold winter weather. The police told me I need to open my car or they would impound it. Wade had locked the keys in the car thinking they wouldn’t be able to get in. I ran inside and got my spare key and opened the car and they found nothing. They told me to open the trunk, I knew by the look on Wade’s face it was not going to be good, but he told me to do it because he didn’t want them to take my car. I opened it and the cop said, “Bingo!” It was filled with all kinds of electronics. I watched them as they pulled everything out and Wade started crying and said, “I’m so sorry Jazmine, I never meant to hurt you again, I just didn’t know how to handle it because I keep thinking your in love with your ex.”

He got bailed out, so he wasn’t gone for too long. I found out that he had been talking to another woman, I was very angry. I just gave my whole life up for him, to only be fooled once more. He claimed he stopped talking to her, but everything just wasn’t the same. I left him once again. He went crazy again, showed up at my house drunk every night, he wanted to even fight my dad. One night I went out drinking with my best friend, we came home and we were in my room. It was around 3:00AM and I heard something at my window, I went to close it and there was Wade. He held my window open screaming at me to come outside, so my friend starting yelling at him to leave; he punched her. He was in trouble with the law once again. I felt so terrible for her, I couldn’t believe he would actually do that. This type of behavior went on for a while. I was talking to my ex that I was with for years while Wade was in jail, we ended up getting back together.

It was officially over for me and Wade, but our story didn’t end there. For years when I would take the kids to see him, he would tell me how much he missed me and loved me. He told me his life was terrible because I was the one good thing he had and since he lost me his life was going down hill. I ended up getting pregnant one last time, but this time it was by my boyfriend. Wade took this really hard, he cried when I told him. I would still see Wade like twice a week when I would take the kids to see him. I didn’t allow the kids alone with him because I knew he was always doing drugs and selling them. I didn’t want to ever get that call that Wade got arrested again and my kids were taken away, so I made sure I was always there; Wade never had a problem with that.

I could tell Wade was getting worse, but I didn’t know what it could be. I would pick him up and he would be sweating and shaking. He would easily get angry with the kids and throw up sometimes. I found out he was addicted to Percocet and it was bad. He was also doing other drugs as well. Someone once told me he was doing heroin, but I told them that couldn’t be true. He was in and out of jail all of the time, I was used to this by now. Although we were not together and he was always in trouble, I never turned my back on him, he always thanked me for that. He always thanked me for being a great mother to our children.

His last time in jail was a little over a year long. Half way through his sentence he was sent to work release. I would pick him up like twice a week with the kids and we would spend time with him. He got a job and he seemed to be doing great. I was supposed to pick him up with the kids on a Sunday and I got a call from his grandmother saying not to go because he was back in Jail. He had did drugs at work and got caught. They put him in rehab and two months later he was back in work release and we stared our visits again. He was finally released and the first day he got out, only a few blocks away from work release, he was pulled over. He calls me and asked to pick him and his friend up because the car was impounded. Of course I went and picked them up and even got the car out of the impound for them.

Wade was released August 1, 2017 and he was ready to move on with his life and do good this time around. I was happy for him, he would spend time with the kids on the weekends; everything seemed to be going great. The kids, especially my oldest son, who is now 14-years-old, were so happy to have him back. No matter what Wade did they didn’t care, they still loved him, he was their father. It was the same with me, I came to terms that he is who he is and I have to accept that. Of course he was still telling me how much he loved me and that all he wanted in life was to have us back; I didn’t realize how much this really affected him. He called me so excited because he got his drivers license. I thought he was really doing good; but I was wrong.

The following weekend the kids slept over with him at his uncles house. I told him they had to be home Sunday by 8:00PM, since they had school the following morning. Eight o’clock came and went, I called and texted him, I got not response. My kids showed up at ten o’clock and I asked them who brought them home and why they were so late. They said their uncle dropped them off and they were worried that their dad was dead. I called their uncle instantly and found out Wade had fallen to the floor and no one could wake him up. They called the ambulance and they gave him Narcan, he went to the hospital and was out the following morning. When I asked Wade what the hell happened he told me he had anxiety and took some Xanax and he passed out because he took it on an empty stomach; of course I believed this. I told him he scared everyone and he promised me he would never do anything like that again.

The kids slept over his house again the following weekend and I told him they had to be home early in the morning because we were going to Sunday school. He dropped them off early and on time, I waved bye to him, but he didn’t see me at the door. Little did I know, that would be the last time I would ever see him again. My kids and I went to Sunday school, afterwards I got them some food. I went to Samantha’s house after I ate and I get the phone call. I was told it happened again, but this time he didn’t make it. I didn’t know how to respond, I said, “ Are you sure? Can’t they bring him back again? Are you sure he’s really gone?” I was told it was too late and he didn’t make, I stayed silent on the phone, I finally told him I have to go I’ll call back. I was in complete shock; there’s no way he could be gone. I talked with Samantha and then I got another call that the police wanted to speak with me.

I raced over to his house, angry and sad, crying and hitting my steering wheel. I got there and spoke with the police and the coroner. They asked if I would like to spend some time with him before they take him. I walked in and went to his bed, but they told me he was in the kitchen. I went to the kitchen and there he was on the floor; I still didn’t believe it. I got down and held him; I lost it, it was true. I knew it had to be true, his body was already stiff, his face was purple, and there was blood on the floor. I stayed with him crying for a few minutes and looked around the kitchen for any clues. He had a lottery ticket on the counter that he had just scratched, the cabinets were open, and he had a dust pan next to his head; he was cleaning the kitchen. I see this image of him everyday.

I stayed there still in shock, I watched them put him in a body bag and I was upset that they were doing this. His family and I walked outside and watched them take him away in a hearse. My brother texted me and asked what I was making for dinner, I replied I don’t know Wade is dead and I’m watching him leave in a hearse. He couldn’t believe it either. My brother met me at my house; I had to tell the children that there father passed away. Of course the kids didn’t take it well.

The following day I was so busy with talking to family and letting everyone know. Then I had to get stuff together for the funeral. I took the kids to see him one last time before he was cremated. The service was beautiful, they had a balloon with a candle in it and let the kids hold it and release it into the air. I finally found out what it was, he was doing heroin, and what’s worse is he had grey death, it’s heroin combined with a deadly mix. He also had Xanax, Percocet, and Cocaine, a deadly combo.

He died on September 17, 2017, not long after he finally got out of jail. There hasn’t been a day that goes by where I don’t think of him. Although I have been with someone else for many years now, Wade always had a place in my heart. I went through his belongings and seen many poems about me and all kinds of stuff that broke my heart even more. I feel like a part of me is gone, I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same or be me again.

Jazmine View All

Jazmine is a Blogger & Freelance Writer from Pennsylvania, USA.

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