What Do I Do From Here?

I have not really been writing on here, not because the mess of my life has dulled down but more so because I really don’t know how to feel right now. I don’t know if I am up or down or somewhere in between half of the time. I don’t know if what I am feeling is wrong, or even justifiable anymore. So, with that, I guess I’d rather not say anything more than needs to be said. But I can’t keep being like that either. I am already pretty isolated, so why isolate myself further?

I know that I still have people in my life that love and care about me, maybe not necessarily all blood but it’s still people that love me nonetheless. Mike, Jazmine & her kids, Crystal & my nephews, my dad and a few other people scattered in there are all the reasons that I have not given up when that is all I want to do right now. So, I know I have been complaining about things a lot lately, but I really want to thank them all for being there for me when I needed them the most, and if they happen to come across this, then… thank you guys, and I love you.

So, I found out that my mom put our family dog, Bandit, down. Bandit was 18-years-old, and this just happened a day or two ago. None of my family told me. I grew up with Bandit. So on top of them taking Max, my childhood dog is dead. I really wish one of them would have had the decency to put our sh** to the side and tell me. They could have told me that they were putting him down and, “Oh, do you wanna see him one last time?” or at the least, “Oh, do you want one last picture?” But no, I didn’t get any of that. If the roles would have been revered, then it would have been a completely different story I guess.

I guess it’s all about me, and what they think and believe I did wrong, “My daughter/sister went crazy and I don’t know how any of this happened. She’s a total bi*** and I want nothing to do with her.” I said this before, and I do get it; they were just trying to help, but you can help while letting someone live their life. It is possible. I sat by, as I numerously mentioned before, for years while some bad stuff was going on in the lives of my family members. Or while one of my siblings made dumb decisions. I’m starting to wonder if it’s genetic.

I guess the thing that gets me is that I stayed by their sides, why did they have to abandon me? I have mentioned it before; that I have abandonment issues. Things like this are just proving why I have these issues, to begin with. It didn’t blossom from nothing. I legit have reasons why I always feel like people are going to abandon me; it’s because they do. And I always run right back to the people that abandon me with hopes that it won’t happen again, but as we all know, history likes repeating itself. I guess it’s my fault because I set myself up for this sh**.

Ontop of everything else, I have been debating on whether or not I was going to even share this outside of the three or four people that already know. For some reason, it just makes me feel really stupid when it shouldn’t, or maybe more embarrassed than anything. But so, yeah, I miscarried. Apparently, I was pregnant and didn’t even realize it with everything else going on until the grand finale. I’ll spare you the grisly details about how I am 100% certain at this point, and just say so, yeah, that happened to me a few days ago.

I can’t seem to shake this uneasy, ashamed/embarrassed, stupid feeling that I have residing within me over this. It’s a natural part of life for many women, unfortunately. It happens to 15-20% of all pregnancies. I’ve written about it in my article numerous times. This isn’t even my first one. So, why do I feel so embarrassed and ashamed about this? Like, I don’t know, like I did something wrong or whatever. Since I didn’t know, I shouldn’t feel the need to grieve, right? I mean, maybe not grieve per say, but like, my head is just f***ed up over this. It’s that simple right now; my head is f***ed up.

‘This is something a girl should have her mother for.’ Keeps running through my head. But that is not an option right now, or maybe ever again. So, yeah. What do I do from here? I don’t even want to go to my therapist anymore in fear of them trying to make me go to that stupid partial hospitalization program again, or worse like full hospitalization. I think I missed like the past two or three weeks. When I could probably benefit the most, I don’t want to go. Is that even a normal fear, or just me? I did go to my psych appointment today and they increased my Lithium and Trazadone. Let’s see if that helps. I guess my Lithium level was like .5 and they want it at 0.6 – 1.

Again I must ask:

What do I do from here?

—Samantha♥