The past two days have been pretty crappy for me. Although, today I have had two good
things happen, but I just don’t feel up to celebrating my small victories. However, I will say what they are. This morning I wake up to a message from my sister asking me if I checked my email and then said congratulations. I was like no and then checked my email. Well, our editor (we happen to have the same one) from BabyGaga sent out an email with a list of the top performing articles throughout the entire BabyGaga site and one of my articles was on that list! (14 Stories Of Mom’s Who Had Miscarriages: Article Link) I was so excited to wake up to that, especially after the day I had yesterday! (which I will explain in a bit) To my surprise, this article was doing well.
The reason that surprises me because yesterday I felt compelled to check the comments on my articles and on that very same article, one of the girls I used the story of that I had found online since all the information was published elsewhere while I was doing my research had left a comment about how I used her information without her permission and the apparently someone else she knows her left a comment as well. By the time I had seen the comments, my editor had already removed the entry where I used this woman as an example. I was in shock and felt horrible and we usually don’t ask permission when the information is spread all over the internet. While I felt horrible, I also feel like if you don’t want people to know your story, why put it out there in the first place? And did all the other articles that were about her get slammed, or was it just mine? I have never, ever had anything like this happen to me before. I was shocked and pretty upset. Which this snowballed into what I am about to tell you next.
So while I was all upset and freaked out that I was going to get in trouble or lose my job, so I started trying to get a hold of people to ask what I should do and I had really needed to talk to someone. over the phone or in person. My sister was driving but still tried to respond over Facebook messenger, Jazmine was at the dentist, and Mike was doing running around and didn’t answer his phone. I didn’t think to contact my dad for some reason, and then I started to get freaked out and hysterical and I realized, yet again, that I had nobody else when all I needed was someone to be there for me while I was panicking.
I understand why no one I listed above was able to talk at the moment, but this overwhelming sense of loneliness came over me and hit me like a freight train that I had no one else anymore. And I just lost it and everything that’s been going on came over me. I posted on Facebook that I am freaked out and just need someone to talk to. Almost instantly I got a call from an old co-worker that I am friends with and she talked to me and tried to be helpful.
I had sent Jazmine a copy of those comments and as soon as she had got it after her appointment she told me to call her and when I did she said that she would be right over because I was hysterically crying. So she came over to comfort me and try to help me. I really, really appreciated that because I needed it. And she hugged me and I couldn’t stop crying. It stopped being the article and started being about everything else. About how lonely I was and about missing people that hate me.
It didn’t help that after she left, me being upset made Mike feel bad, and him feeling bad made feel worse. It’s all kind of Hazy, and I know I ended up talking to my dad at some point. I definitely dissociated at certain points because I have no clear memory or it just gets too hazy. I just kept thinking about and saying that besides the people I have mentioned, I don’t have anyone else anymore. I was lower than I had been in a long time.
Then today, I get that got the good news about having one of the top performing articles, and then I found out that one of my articles is actually the featured articled on BabyGaga. You would have thought that I would be happy. While I was momentary, that had faded pretty quick. I started getting really depressed and starting crying again because I just felt so secluded from everyone because I can’t drink and Jazmine was throwing a Halloween party and there was no way I could go and not drink.
That just pulled me under the surface of the water that I seemed to be drowning in. I just… didn’t want to be here anymore. I wanted to disappear. I even self-harmed for the first time in months yesterday. I give up. I don’t wanna do this anymore. I feel so defeated. Life has successfully succeeded in beating me down.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.