I have been having so many issues with procrastinating today. I was able to work pretty solid earlier in the day, and even completes and submitted an article. Afterwards, I just could not motivate myself to really get much work down. Even now by blogging, I am procrastinating. I should be working on my article that is due tomorrow since it is pretty in-depth and needs a decent amount of research done in order to write it, but instead, I have been helping my sister with her outline, chatting on Facebook, and pretty much everything else besides getting my work done. This is procrastination at it’s finest.
To my surprise, for the most part, I have been in a pretty good mood. Maybe more so a silly kind of mood. Since I have therapy tomorrow, if I want to get my article done by 11:59 pm, I am probably going to have to get up a little earlier. But it all depends on what time I go to bed as well. Lately, I have no been going to bed until 5 or 6 in the morning. However, night is when I am at my most creative and I love the solitude of the night-time. I actually don’t even want to go to therapy tomorrow, but I know that I should especially with me being in and out of mixed episodes. (Sorry about all the Gif’s in my posts as well but for some reason I find them more appealing than just regular pictures. )
Last night I had my first real craving for wanting to get drunk or get messed up. I don’t know if it is because of boredom or some other unknown reason. Possibly everything that I have been going through. I try not to admit to people that I still get the urges to get messed up because I just want everything to seem like I am fine in that department without doing anything. I also know that if I do get wasted, that I will be homeless and alone because part of the condition for Mike and me to get back together and for me to move back in, is that I continue to stay sober. I would rather not drink than lose him again. Now, without my family talking to me, I don’t have many people left in my life. Therefore, I would rather just walk around and say that I am fine. However, I am also aware that after I post this, everyone will know that I am not fine.
With night starting to settle in, I am starting to feel a little down. At least on a positive note, I have yet to cry today and I hope that I don’t start the waterworks either. I hate crying because it makes me feel like I am a baby, or that I am weak or something. And I cry a lot, which means that I feel that way a lot more than I probably should. I remember one time that my therapist (either my previous one or current one… I can’t remember) told me that I should not be ashamed of crying because crying is the opposite of smiling and then she asked if I was ashamed of smiling.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.