So, literally out of nowhere I got the biggest feeling of loneliness and a longing for my family. I had finally started to get back to work and started working on my article 📑 (I only have 5 more entries to write) and all these feelings and emotions just hit me, and they hit me hard. I don’t know how I am supposed to feel or why, when I was fine, my mind decided to screw with me. Maybe it has something to with the fact that Mike fell asleep in the living for some reason, and I was literally all by myself. 😦
Which even that makes no sense to me because usually I love the solitude and being alone, especially at night (as I had stated just a few hours ago in my previous post when I was pretty much feeling a little down but overall I had felt okay). I wish I had someone to talk to right now. 📱I could really use a friend, and I know that most normal people are sleeping 😴 at almost 5 in the morning. I should try to sleep but my anxiety is sky high and my heart hurts. 💔 At least being able to vent on here helps me get my emotions out a bit.
Is this ever going to get an easier for me? Will I ever stop longing for, and missing the people that hate me the most right now? 😣 I don’t like feeling like this, and these feelings are no fun. I hate feelings. I wish I could honestly just pick up a bottle of Vodka 🍸 and drink until I am either numb or knocked out. 😪 I just want to sleep, but sleep doesn’t seem to come easily for me. Gotta love insomnia, right?
Unisom 💊 no longer even makes me drowsy. And it probably doesn’t help that I ran out of my lithium. 💊 I kept meaning to put in a request for a new script but by the time I would remember, their office was already closed. I did put a request in online, but they seem to just ignore that sometimes. Or, so at least that is how it feels. I need something stronger than Trazadone 💊 and Remeron 💊 for sleep because they don’t make me tired anymore either. I don’t think anything would knock me out anymore at this point. I mean, nothing legal at least.💊
I just want to say that I give up so bad. 😢 Throw up my white flag and just surrender. I am not even in the mood to try to think of anything to be grateful for. There goes my gratitude list after like what- a whole 24 hours or so. I wonder if my family ever thinks about me 💭 and misses me too. I am scared I already know the answer though. They are better off without me, I just tend to make a mess for everyone that is around me. I’m a mess. I kind of think everyone would be better off without knowing me. I hurt people when I don’t intend too. 💔 I always say and do the wrong things. 🙈🙉 🙈
I can’t help but feel ashamed for some of the things that I have done and for some of the things that I do. I know I f-ed up with my family big time. I know they were just trying to look out for my best interest. But damn. . . Couldn’t they have just accepted that what I wanted to do wasn’t necessarily what I wanted to do? Couldn’t they just still have loved me anyway? 💔
Sleep doesn’t seem like it’s coming for me anytime soon. . . 😴
Thanks for following and reading my rants,
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.