During the daytime hours, I seem to be just fine. The depression that I have been feeling lately isn’t as gripping. But once the sun goes down and I am left with my own thoughts, that is when it seems like my depression is in full effect. I think about everything whether I want to or not. I’ll also usually shedding a few tears. Until I can get my emotions in check my mother still has control over me. I don’t know how to get my emotions in check, though.
I wish it were as easy as just saying, “I’m not going to feel depressed today.” However, anyone who has ever dealt with mental illness before knows that is not how this works. Nothing is that simple.
When I was going through all my blog posts to recategorize them into the correct locations, I couldn’t believe that some of the things I wrote about happened within this year, 2017. It’s hard to believe because everything feels like it happened so long ago as if it were in another lifetime even. I can’t believe everything that I have been through this year. It’s so surreal. Trying to think back to everything that’s happened feels hazy. Like I cannot even trust my own perception of time.
My perception of time really is pretty warped I suppose. When things are happening in the moment time just seems to fly by. When I try to think of things that have happened in the past or even just yesterday, time starts to feel like it’s a dragging on forever. It feels slowed down. It’s the weirdest sensation and I cannot even explain it correctly.
I had my first real conversation with my one aunt today for the first time in years. I send her a link to my latest article ( 15 Of The Worlds Youngest Grandparents: Article Link) since I had put my grandmother in it (she’s #9) and she asked if I wrote that entire article and I said yeah and we just started talking from there and to my surprise, she even said that she was proud of me. It’s not very often that I get to hear people say they are proud of me, so it actually made me feel good. But even with a nice comment, I still feel kind of blue.
I would love to take on the project of writing another book. My first one is quite embarrassing and horribly written, but I wrote it when I was about 18-years-old or so. It would take a lot of reworking to make it presentable enough to try to publish it. I had started to rewrite it but I grew bored and gave up.
I really have to start getting on reading the book. I am like on page 80 out of 200+ pages. So far, I really like it. I am so excited about doing this review and interview, but at the same time, I am completely nervous. I mean, what if I screw up somehow or I don’t do the book justice?
Well, I need to either get back to my article or continue reading this book or maybe a little bit of both.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.