Unlovable

I finally heard from my mom for the first time in weeks, and it was all for money. So I asked her if she planned on giving me my dog back and she said she had him to the vet and that he had a broken rib and I’m sitting here like I know I didn’t break his rib and did she actually even take him to the vet? I told her she owes Jazmine an apology and she said she doesn’t owe Jazmine anything. And I think that’s a no to getting my dog back.

She told me to keep playing my games and I’m like wtf game am I playing? Like, seriously my life is a mess. And I’m playing games? If I were playing a game I should be able to call it quits or get a new life… this obviously is not a f-in game!

I am hurting way more than words could even express right now. This is different from grieving over a friendship or a relationship. This is my family, the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally obviously love me conditionally or no longer love me at all, in general. I’m the unlovable one. The screw-up child.  The one everyone loves to hate. I may have been mean and said this is why your sisters and brother don’t talk to you, but at the same point she had me so pissed off and hurt.

I feel like my aunt Laura that passed away; siblings want nothing to do with you for more years than you can count and you slip away unnoticed and feeling unloved. There’s no going back from this. I think the thing that oddly enough confirmed that there’s no going back is the fact that my mom and my sister unfriended me on Facebook. It’s kind of sad that we are in the generation where you can tell how bad something is based on whether or not your still friends on facebook. What that means also, is that I have no way of seeing Max at all. Therefore, what I thought about never seeing Max again is accurate.

This has been the worst year of my life and has been filled with the most drama. I literally feel like as for the people near me, I only have Jazmine and Mike left. I rarely get to see my sister Crystal, and my dad lives in Florida. I just want to curl up and disappear and make everything go away.  Curling up and disappearing would be so much easier than having to sort through this shit.

I’m pretty sure I am falling into a depressive episode again. This time I actually have a reason to be depressed and it’s not just because my bipolar mind decided to throw me into a certain emotion. How the hell am I supposed to keep writing while feeling like this? The article I turned in today was pure crap. My current situation is definitely having an impact on my writing. I’m almost positive this article is going to get rejected.

I keep trying to pick through my life and figure out what I did that was bad enough to deserve going through this. I must have done something wrong, right? Every shitty thing that I have ever done is coming back to me. This is Karma rearing her ugly head, right?

-Samantha♥