It took me three days to complete an article, which is not like me at all. Anyone that knows me knows that I mass produce articles or I will try to complete at least one article per day. I had such severe writer’s block that I couldn’t even write an entire blog post. I kept starting them, getting a paragraph or so in and then deleting them.
Those three days passed by in a haze. Besides moving a load of stuff (thanks to Jazmine) back into the apartment, I couldn’t even begin to tell you what I have been doing. It really is all hazy, like I have been on autopilot and just going through the motions. I was feeling kind of depressed, and I think the realization of everything that’s been going on in my personal life has finally started to hit me.
I’m just sad and disappointed that everything went down the way it did between my family and me. I didn’t mean for things to go so wrong, and to make my family hate me. I’m an adult, or at least according to my birth certificate I am, and I should be able to live how I choose to live without making anyone mad at me or having people be rude or mean to me. It’s not like I am on drugs, or drinking, of self-destructing. As much as they all would disagree, it’s not life-threatening. I just wanted to be in the relationship of my choosing.
I seriously think that I am cycling through the five stages of grief regarding how I feel that I have lost my family. And I honestly feel like I have. Nothing is ever going to be the same again. And I feel like it is all my fault. And it pretty much is. I mean, they played a part, but I could have gone about everything is a different manner. Then again, so could have they.
The five stages of grief are as follows:
In a way, I kind of did go through the denial stage, and I felt like, “Is this real? Did this really just happen? No, it couldn’t have.” But yes it did. I didn’t want to believe that everything was unfolding the way that it way. I kept thinking that there was no way this whole thing happened over me getting back with Mike, but it did. Everything just happened so fast that it basically gave me whiplash.
I definitely was angry. That was evident from all of my posts. I kept thinking, “How could they do this to me? How could they turn their backs on me? Did I mean that f-in little to them? What the f*** is wrong with them.” I just wanted to scream, yell, break s***. I kept thinking about how much I hate them right now. I feel like they were pushing me away all because they didn’t like the decisions I was making.
I kept thinking about how it’s not fair and that they are being so hypocritical of me. I said things that I didn’t mean to say, especially to my mom. I get it, they were just trying to help me and look out for me. But at the same point, they have to let me live my life, but still be there to support me regardless because aren’t they supposed to love me unconditionally. Without conditions.
On to number three of the five stages of grieving: depression. I am feeling kind of sad and depressed, and I know that is why it took me three days to write my article. When Mike and I split up, it took me over a week to finish one article. I just want everything to be okay, and for everyone to get along. I miss Max a lot too. I tried to act like I wouldn’t miss or need any of them, including Max. I really do miss my family and having them not be mad at me.
Not everyone knows that you can go through the stages of grief without actually having someone pass away. Any type of major loss to a person can turn into grief. I think maybe I am going to try to write an article on the stages. It really is important for people to be aware of.
Can I just start over? Make a fresh start, and forget everything that has happened to me since August. Can I go back to before Mike and I got into that fight? Before we broke up? Before my stuff got trashed and I moved out before I moved in with my family before everything turned out the way it did? I just want to hide away until everything gets better.
*Note: I had much more written by WordPress decided to crap out of me through the last few paragraphs and never saved.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.