I had a boringly eventful day. One might ask how something is boringly eventful. Well, what I mean by that is that I have had a pretty boring day (I spent about 90% of my waking day writing and doing outlines, and finding new articles to write for babygaga) but yet there was something that happened that kind of made the day eventful (not necessarily in a good way either).
I had a talk with my mom about moving back in with Mike. Somehow, it must have slipped her mind that we already had this talk the day I came back from my first couples therapy with Mike. Let me just say it did not go over too well. By the end of it, she said that she will not be going to that apartment to be visiting me. She said that she wants to be able to “speak her mind” to him and tell him how she really feels about everything that went on, apparently just like she did with my ex’s after them and I broke up.
She asked me if I knew that she gave them a piece of her mind, and I said no because, well, I didn’t. But I also told her that the difference between them, and the difference with Mike, is that there were ex’s, and Mike is no longer my ex, he is now my boyfriend again, who I am also trying to work things out with. She said, “So, you expect me to bite my tongue after everything that happened? How is that fair.”
My reply was not very nice, but it was the truth. It was my truth. I told her that after everything that her ex, Pete, put her and us (my siblings and I) through for so many years, and the fact that not once was I allowed to ever open my mouth to say anything to him, and to this day I am STILL not allowed to say anything to him, she has no room to speak about having to bite her tongue. I have been biting my tongue for over 15 years for the shit that, that thing has put my family through. I told her that, in respect, it’s the same damn thing. She was not very happy with me. We both had to walk away.
I understand that everything that happened with Pete is in the past. I get it, I really do, but in order to move on from things… to forgive and forget, a person has to be able to work through those issues that caused them pain. To work through things, at least the way I work through things, is by talking about them. And growing up, we, or I, was told, “What happens in this house, stays in this house.” So, I didn’t speak about things for a very long time to anyone. I let issues boil and fester. I would protest my hate for that thing in other ways. I didn’t start speaking about things until recently in my individual therapy. Let’s just say, I have a lot to work on. Even my therapist says I have a long way to go.
So, mom, sorry if I am not able to forgive and forget just yet. That is going to take time because I had to hold onto it for so long. I was dealing with Pete’s shit well before Melissa and the twins… you think you know. You have no idea.
I don’t intentionally try to be mean. I honestly thought my mom and I had this conversation the day of the couples therapy session. I had no idea that she would forget I even brought it up. I didn’t even want to talk about me moving out today. But now everything just feels really uncomfortable. I have a boyfriend who is not even allowed at the house where I am living. Which is going to suck for me once I start contributing my part of the bills. That’s what brought on this whole conversation about me moving out. My mom mentioned something about next summer and I said, “Wait, what? I am not going to be here that long.” She asked where I am going to be… and next thing you know it blossomed into an argument.
Then, to make matters worse… I brought up the subject of me not being able to take Max with me. She got upset, said it’s not fair and that I needed to move somewhere that would take it. I explained that financially Mike and I won’t be able to move out of that apartment yet and that I was hoping she could take him. Yep, that did not go over too well either. She said she don’t like small dogs… and a few other things. I don’t know what to do.
Most apartments that do take takes are out of our price range anyway. I don’t want to give my dog up. I get sad even looking at him right and knowing that I don’t have much time left with him, and then it just makes me feel angry. For no reason, I am starting to feel a little on edge right now just thinking about everything. At this point, I don’t even know if my mom and brother will even let Mike in the house so he can help me move my things out. And sure as hell they won’t help me. My brother moved most of my stuff when I left Mike. He won’t help again, he pretty much already let me know I’m on my own.
It’s just so frustrating. And like, I hate knowing that my entire family feels negatively towards me because they are unhappy with the decision that I am making. It makes me feel really on edge, and really… uncomfortable. It makes me just want to rush things and leave sooner. I don’t do good under pressure. That whole fight or flight complex that people naturally have; I almost always take flight. My therapist brings this to my attention all the time. I am an avoider. I do not like conflict as much as people think I do. When I need to get something done that is anxiety provoking, I almost always try to look for a way to either completely avoid a situation, or I will look for ways to try to push it off for as long as possible.
I know that my family does not like what happened. (I guess I’ll be mean again) But why is it that they don’t want to forgive Mike or even just try to act civil with him, even though I have forgiven Mike, but yet Pete beat the living piss out of my mom for years, verbally/emotionally/psychologically abused everyone for years, Pete tried to F-ING MURDER them (quite literally) and yet my mom and brother STILL allowed Pete to move back in with them?
Can someone please answer that question for me? What is with the double standards? I mean, come on now, Pete tried to kill them… with a machete. Yet, they put a roof over his head. I can’t even have my boyfriend over… but they allowed someone who tried to kill them to move in with them.
Yes, my bipolarness is starting to thrive right now because thinking about all this is just simply making me angry.
I do not like how everyone is on my back, telling me that they don’t like what I am doing, yet it doesn’t matter what they do or have done. It only matters about me and what I am doing. My mom won’t come visit me when I move back in with Mike because she doesn’t like him because of what he did to me. YET… I came to visit my mom, while Pete was living with her, even though I did not like him because of what he did to her and us kids, but I still came to visit because she is my mom. During my visits, I was civil to Pete, as I have been my entire F-ing life. Double standards… I don’t wanna think about that crap anymore. It’s putting me in a bad mood.
Anyway, on a brighter note, I have been working like crazy all day and even had another article published. I still have a lot of articles to post up, which I may or may not get to today. I kind of want to get a jump start on my next article. The only problem with that is my editor did not technically approve my outline yet and most likely will not be approving outlines until Monday. I finished all my articles way early. I had articles booked up until Tuesday that I got done early, thanks to being hypomanic. The article I want to work on now is actually a Kardashian article. It’s something different for me, but I figured, hey why not?
I have become obsessed with writing again. It’s all I want to do, think about, or talk about. I am sure that I am driving everyone crazy with it. I have outlines and notes all over the place along with half started articles that got junked by babygaga before I could even finish them. I do have an article that I may not be able to complete for babygaga that I signed up for and already did the research for. It’s about dad’s that accidentally killed their babies. So, if babygaga decides that, that article is too inappropriate (No, I am not the one that came up with that title! Lol) Then I may just complete it anyway and post it on here. I don’t really want to waste all the time and effort I put into doing all that research. I found 15 different instances where the dad accidentally killed their kids. It’s pretty morbid.
I think I am going to start on that Kardashian article and hope it doesn’t get trashed… if it does, I will be posting that on here too!
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.