Getting My Life Back

I feel like I have really been neglecting my blog lately, and I kind of have. Just not intentionally. I have been super busy with writing articles. I have been mass producing them pretty much. Usually, it takes me an entire day to write one, but lately, I have been able to write two and a half a day, PLUS be able to complete a few outlines. I think that is only because I am starting to get kind of hypomanic/borderline manic. But hey, what else can I say other than things are starting to look up… 😆

I am slowly starting to get my life back. One day at a time, one piece at a time, and one moment at a time. After I wrote my last blog entry (not the article link but Broken (Again)) and I was saying goodbye to Mike, so what I thought was a final time, we started talking. We eventually came up with a solution that would work out for the best. Or, shall I say, Mike came up with a solution. He professed his undying love for me 😍 and said that he really does not want to lose me. Which really shocked me. I actually thought that he kind of hated me a bit. He was making it seem like everything was my fault, and I felt like I was this horrible, horrible unloveable woman. But he loves me, he actually loves me. 💑 He came up with the idea to try couples therapy to try to work things out between us. 👫

We talked for a long while about everything. We talked about the things we wanted to change, the things we wanted to stay the same, our hopes, dreams, fears… you name it, and we talked about. I started to feel really good about this. The end results; we are back together and happier than ever. 💑 💘 Not everyone is exactly too happy about this, 😕 however. And I get it, I really do. But I love him, and he really does love me. 💗

We both screwed up a lot. We both did things that we are not proud of. But we are both going to work on ourselves individually, and we are going to work on things together as a couple. My family has all already told me that when everything falls apart again, that they will not be there to help me again. 😕 They are washing their hands on this one. I am so ecstatic to be getting my life back. I wish they could just be happy for me too. 😯

Mike and I have already had our first couples therapy session together and we have talked about everything that had happened on that dreadful day. We talked about the biggest issue, that I cannot mention on here, but it’s the issue that my mom and siblings are worried about the most. All I can say is that it really is not as bad as I made it out to be, and we really talked about what had happened. I am not saying what he did was justifiable, but I can be a drama queen, and when shit went down, my PTSD from my ex-husband kicked in, and that only lasted for a split second, felt like a lifetime. That’s the funny thing about PTSD, things are not always what they seem to be.

During our session, we also picked out a major relationship goal. A lot of people are not going to be happy about it, but Mike and I are happy about it. 😊 The main goal that we are going to be working toward, is moving me back into the apartment… sooner rather than later. We are going to be starting with me sleeping over at the apartment anywhere from 2-3 times a week for a few weeks. Add that on top of couples therapy, and weekly individual therapy and everything continues to go good and run smoothly then there is no reason that I cannot move back home.

I broke the news to my mom. Let’s just say that she is not that happy about it. 😬 I am a 31-year-old female, and yet I was scared shitless to tell my own mother that I am planning on moving back in with my boyfriend! 😱 And ugh, when I have to tell my brothers and sister… yikes! 😵 I am sure that once they read this if they read this, I am going to to get either be in a lot of shit, they are going to treat me like it, or they are just going to blatantly ignore me. 😳

I am really hoping that my mom and my siblings don’t just stop talking to me over this because I do love them and value them. But I am an adult. I may not always make the best decisions in life, or make the decisions that they want me to make, but that’s life. They don’t always make the best choices either or do the things I want them to do, but that does not mean that I am going to turn my back on them. 😞

I am just worried that they will completely turn their backs on me because they don’t like what I am doing because they have done it to me before. There was a period of a year or two when I didn’t talk to any of them. But that’s how my family is. When they don’t like the choices you make, or if you don’t do what they want you to do they flip and ignore you for a while. 😵😱😨

My dad also knows that I plan to move back in with Mike. He seems more okay with it than my mom was. However, he also knew before my mom did. I think there is literally only one single person in my life that has told me that she is going to support me and love me no matter what I do, and that is my best friend Jazmine. 💟 I have known this girl since I was 12-years-old and in 6th grade. So, Jaz, if you are reading this; thanks for being the one to say that you will support me and Mike’s relationship and us moving back in together. 😄

There is only one downfall to moving back in with Mike, and it is very heartbreaking. When I went to the apartment complex management to get my name taken off of the lease and had mentioned about looking for another apartment within the complex, they brought it to my attention that they no longer take dogs. What this means, is that if I go back home, I will not be able to bring Max with me. 💔 I would have to ask my mom to keep Max at her house with her, and I am not quite sure if she would be willing to do that because she already has two dogs.

However, one of the dogs is 18-years-old and doesn’t have much time left on this earth, and my mom does love Max too. So, maybe there would be a small chance she could take him. I really don’t want to say goodbye to my puppy. He was the one to cuddle up with me when Mike first left me. He was the one to comfort me. If my mom won’t take him, I am not quite sure what to do because I honestly do not want to give him to a stranger. I want to be able to see him every now and then. This really sucks. Max is going to be six-years-old, and I have had him since he was only 9-months-old. I’ve had him for a majority of his life. 😔🐶🐕

Lately, he doesn’t even feel like my dog anymore though. 😕 He’d rather follow my mom around and sleep in bed with her. Even at night when my mom tries to lock him in the basement with me, he’ll go to the top of the stairs and claw at the door and cry for her. Every now and then he’s able to get the door open on his own, and out of all of the rooms in the house, he automatically goes right to hers. I know this sounds really mean, but I tend to detach myself subconsciously from animals when things like this start to happen, and I won’t realize I am starting to detach from them until I am starting to really push that animal away; which is when they no longer feel like mine. I don’t know if that even makes sense, or if anyone else ever feels like that, or if it’s simply just me and I am a rare breed. 😞

I simply cannot wait until everything is finalized and I am in a steady and stable environment again. I know I keep saying that I am getting my life back, and I am in a way. Only, it is going to be improved. 😉 I don’t exactly want things to go back to the way they were before. I want everything to be better. I want Mike and I to get along better, and fight less. Right now everything is all fine and dandy, however, we are not living together yet.

When I move back in, I want things to be steady, solid, and stable between the two of us. We don’t have to agree on everything because that would not be normal human nature. What I do want, is for us to be able to talk out or issues when they arise instead of throwing things at each other and punching the walls.

Part of working on myself also includes a new med change. 💊 I am now back on lithium. 💊 I have to be really careful ⚠ when taking this med. I was on it two separate times in the past, and both times I ended up with lithium toxicity. The first time, it was not that big of a deal because I just had to go to the emergency room based off of my symptoms. The next time I ended up with toxicity, though, it was bad; really, really bad. I ended up being admitted to the hospital and was there for about three days or so. I really hated that. I am hoping that the third time is the charm!

I guess it’s time to get back to writing! ✏

-Samantha 👄