Broken (Again)

I’ve wanted to post something for a while now, but just haven’t totally what to say or write. My life has been flipped upside down and I feel like I have lost so much. So, Mike left me. We are done and over and it hurts so much. I really thought that we were going to be together for a long time. I feel like I have wasted the last 5 years of my life. All the joy, pain, and struggling was all for nothing.

He flipped out and trashed the apartment because he was supposed to be the one moving out. A lot was said and done, and in the end, I am left with a massive mess. I ended up giving him the apartment because of how bad he trashed it. He also trashed a lot of my things with it. I have never been in this situation before and I don’t really like it.

A lot more happened and things got really crazy, but it is too personal for me to even vent about on here. As much as I would like to, I cannot do that to him and tell everything that went down. Other than the trashing the apartment thing…

Mike and I had started talking again and even started doing other things… we’ve been seeing each other every day and I had hopes of us getting back together. However, he does not take on any of the blame for what happened and is putting everything on me and saying that it was all because I made him mad. But what about me? Am I not allowed to hold some anger for everything that happened? I am the one who had all their shit trashed, but I guess that is okay, right?

I’ve never needed him like I do right now though, however, I have never hated him like I do right now. Because all he does is make me cry. (yes, I took that from the Noah Cyrus song) Supposedly we are/were “together” again, but now he does not know what he wants and says it seems like too much work. My heart is being broken over and over again with his indecisiveness. I love this man so much, and right now I don’t even know why. All I know is that I love him, and even after what he put me through, he’s the only one I want to be with. Obviously, he does not see this.

I don’t think he realizes what he keeps doing to my heart over and over again. He’ll make me so happy by saying that he loves me, and spending time with me. Then, out of nowhere, he dislikes the situation and doesn’t want anything with me ever again. This shit is tearing me the F*&# apart! I honestly don’t know how much my heart can take.

Before we started talking again, I was self-destructing. I was drinking a lot, I had even put liquor in my coffee at 9 am. I ran right back to self-harm and basically said F U to my other, healthy, coping mechanisms. I was a total flippin’ mess! I don’t want to go back to that. I’d rather have him in my life. But my heart just keeps on breaking with every bad call and text message.

I literally just got done talking to him and the way it seems is that whatever we had going on is done now. As the tears are falling, I am starting to realize that I cannot do this with him anymore. He just breaks me down like no one ever has been able to do. My ex-husband didn’t even break me down this way, and it was bad, and I mean bad. With my ex-husband, there was emotional and physical abuse that no one really knew about. With Mike, it has been more mental abuse than anything.

I feel like I am nothing without him, and I just don’t wanna feel like that anymore. But how do I walk away from the only thing that I have known for the last 5 years? How do I say goodbye? My mind and my heart are at war. My mind is telling me to walk away, but my broken heart is telling me to do whatever I can to hold on to him; which I have been trying to do.

I just had to tell him that I am done with him. It fucking hurts, like, a lot. Apparently, he does not like that I have a stay-at-home job. He wants me to go back to doing shit I hate. Yet, he’s not making me give up the first job I love, however, if I want to be with him I cannot have this job. He told me that I am too annoying being at home all the time. Like, seriously?

I am so heartbroken again. I honestly don’t know how to live without him. But I am done. I cannot do this anymore. This back and forth shit has to stop. He obviously does not care. So F*%# it, right? I honestly just want to resort to the only coping mechanism I know. I do not get it. I mean, we had such a good day together. How in the hell did everything turn to shit again?

My heart cannot take any more. It seriously can’t. I’ve got it bad. How does he get to be okay, when I am such a flipping mess. This just shows me even more that he has never, and will never, love me the way I love him. And it’s just not fair… but I know, life is not fair. I just cannot stop crying either. These past two weeks, or however long its been now, has been the worst for me. I have never felt this bad after a breakup. However, I have never gone back in forth like this right after a breakup either.

The sad part is that he does not even remember what he’s done to me, and, yet, I am stuck with all these memories. All these feelings and emotions. He could never understand what he’s done to me and what I am going through right now. My heart just keeps on breaking with each passing memory that is rushing back to me.

Why did he have to ruin everything? I feel like nothing is really ever going to be okay again for me. I feel like a dirty welcome mat that he just keeps stepping on over and over again. I just want to F-in scream so loud until I cannot scream anymore. I am a mess right now, and my mind is an F-in mess. I just don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I want to curl up into a little ball and disappear.

I hate feeling like this. Everyone is telling me to sit with these feelings, but I don’t want to. It F-in hurts way too much. I just want to drink or get high and feel completely numb. However, given past experiences, drinking right now could possibly only turn out bad for me. I would probably feel alright for a little while and then get really depressed and act stupid. But right now, I cannot lie, it is so damn hard to not run upstairs and take my mom’s bottle of tequila and just get smashed.

Oh, I forgot to mention… I had to move in with my mom, my sister, and my brother. After Mike trashed the apartment I had nowhere else to go. So, the loser I am is back living with mommy at the ripe old age of 31. This is not where I saw my life. I just don’t know what else to do. My whole world has been ripped apart and shredded to little, damaged, pieces.

How am I supposed to work on myself when I do not even know who I am without Mike. He became such a big part of my life that I don’t know how to just be me. It’s been Mike & Samantha for 5 years, and now that is all gone. I have watched everything that I have known within those past 5 years slip right through the cracks in of my fingers.

I held on to what we were for far too long I guess. Mike was right about one thing; things will never be the same again.

-Samantha </3