Completely Heartbroken

Completely Heartbroken 💔

I’m drowning again, only this time I have a legitimate reason for being pulled under the water this time around. Sometime this morning when Mike, my boyfriend, wakes up he is going to be calling his dad to try to have him help find new living arrangements for himself. He’s leaving me. We didn’t even really have our normal full blown fight, it was very minor. He just wanted me to come to bed with him but I said no because I wasn’t ready to go to bed at the time. Next thing I know he’s saying he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and breaking up with me. 

He’s going through some things and has just been really paranoid and controlling lately, and I mentioned that to him. He said that’s why he’s breaking up with me. He said he wants to be alone so he doesn’t have to worry about me and what I’m doing anymore. He’s threatened to leave so many times before or threatened to kick me out so many times before, but usually, when that happens we are yelling and screaming at each other. It’s like we just say those things out of anger.

This time was different, it just felt different. We weren’t yelling or screaming, and at first, I wasn’t even crying. We were just talking. He raised his voice once and I told him I just don’t want to fight anymore. We have to figure out which one of us is going to leave, and who is going to stay, I guess. I am completely devastated and heartbroken right now.

I feel like I wasted the last 5 years of my life. I went through so much shit for him, and for what… for nothing apparently. I feel like someone is squeezing all of the air out of my lungs, I can’t breathe. I have this heavy feeling weighing on my heart, and I can’t get the ache to subside. This escalated over his paranoia. His c*nt of an ex-girlfriend, Holly, cheated on him over the internet and he woke up to catch her virtually cheating on him. He had forgotten all about that night until recently, and so now he is paranoid that I am going to do the same thing to him, so that is why he wanted me to go to bed with him. His paranoia is so bad to the point that he wants to break up a 5-year relationship over it.

I keep on drowning and getting pulled deeper and deeper under the water. The pressure in/on my chest hurts so bad. I can’t help but feel like everything I love always eventually goes away and abandons me. I just cannot do this anymore. I love this man to death, but I don’t think he loves me the way that I love him. Otherwise, he would not want to break up over something so minor after everything that we have been through. I mean, he’s in the bedroom sound asleep, while I am out in the living room balling my eyes out.

After he said he wanted to leave me, I tried laying next to him in bed but I just couldn’t. It hurt too much. He even said “I love you” to me, and I told him that he has a funny way of showing it, but I just couldn’t get myself to say it back. Why is he so okay, and I feel like I am breaking to pieces from the inside-out?

I don’t know what I am going to do. I don’t think I would be able to afford the apartment all by myself. Especially since my pay can fluctuate greatly since its biggest payout is based on views. And if I move back in with my mom, I will have like no privacy or a space to call my own. Those are my only two options. Going through a breakup, I am going to need my own personal space because I am sure I am going to be spending a lot of time depressed and crying, which I would like some privacy for.

I have never put so much work and effort into a relationship before and it was a waste of my f-ing time because all it did was blow up in my face. In the end, nothing really matters. I wish he would have done this shit before I paid him for my half of the bills because now I am left with next to nothing. Now, I need to try to figure out what I have to do and how to go about doing it. I need to formulate a plan. Why should I even bother, though? The only thing I really want to do is be with him. I just… I can’t.

I am having mild panic attacks, and my anxiety is sky high right now. My anti-anxiety med, Atarax, is doing absolutely nothing for me right now. I need some Xanax or something… or even better yet, a drink. If we’re “broken up” I hope he knows that nothing is going to stop me from drinking, now. I seriously need somebody to talk to right now, but it is currently just after 4:30 am so every one I know is most likely sleeping.

If Mike wants to leave that bad, then regardless of how much I love him, I have to let him leave because it’s his choice and not mine. Begging someone to stay in a relationship that they obviously don’t want to be in is pointless, and I get that now.

I tried asking him if he wanted to try dating but living in separate places for the time being. He said no. I tried asking him if we could be friends. He said no again, and that it’s either all or nothing. I told him well since he’s the one that wants to break up then, obviously, he wants nothing to do with me after this. That hurt me even more. It was just one blow after another from him.

I don’t know what to do about anything right now. My heart is still breaking.