So, I did end up getting paid. Babygaga is a legit company, however, I still have no cash in hand. I’m stuck waiting for PayPal to transfer it to my bank, and then floor my bank to release it to me. I’m a highly impatient person, and I’ve been workout real income since March so I really, really needed this money ASAP. I know I’ve waited this long, so what’s one more day. Logically, that makes so much sense, but I’m not always a logic person.
I wish I could just go to bed but I can’t. I’m exhausted but my mind is running on overdrive. I even had an article due today that I pushed off until tomorrow because I may keep feeling really anxious and agitated so much to the point that I couldn’t even really work on it. I hate doing this, but I asked my editor for an extension and she said it wasn’t a problem. I was too distraught to be able to focus on doing much of anything today.
I hate the feelings of agitation and anxiety, especially when they are piled on together. I hate having to just sit with these feelings and not be able to do anything with them, or have like a glass or two of wine and just relax.
I still hate the fact that my boyfriend won’t compromise with me when it comes to alcohol. It’s honestly no longer my choice to stay sober. If I drink my boyfriend said that’s it, we would be over. And I do love him so I’m going to try to deal with it, but I’m nowhere near happy about this and I feel like he’s treating me like a little kid and not the 31-year-old woman I am. Relationships are supposed to be about compromise but, regarding alcohol, this is not something he is willing to do.
I’ll admit, some things have gotten better in my life since I stopped drinking, however other things feel like they got so much worse. For an example; if I wouldn’t have stopped drinking I most likely wouldn’t be writing articles for Babygaga right now. Then again, if I would be able to drink, I would have something to help with my physical pain, I had longer periods of stability, and I was more social.
I should really be working on my article but for some reason, I am procrastinating. Actually, I should probably try to get some sleep. My mind still does not want to shut down though. I hate that at night it wants to run wild when the rest of the world is asleep except for third shift workers and other insomniacs.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.