I just seem to be feeling overly anxious at the moment, and I only just woke up less than an hour ago. I cannot get my mind to just stop running wild. Today I will be getting my first paycheck from Babygaga. It still feels kind of unreal to me. Like, how did I get a job writing articles for a living? I’m not fully going to believe it until that money is my account, I guess. I really should’ve asked my editor what time they usually deposit the pay at so I’m not anxiously waiting like some crazy person. (Oh, wait. I am some crazy person!)
I know I can’t write for Babygaga forever, so I wonder how long this could last. It’s like a dream for me and it’s going a little too good, so I’m wondering what is going to go wrong and when. I know I should try to stay positive, but I’m just going off of previous experiences. Nothing good lasts forever. At least not for me it doesn’t. . . What will I do after this? Will it be the end of my wiring career?
I’ve also been thinking a lot about how I wanted to try to have a baby and, well, I honestly don’t think now is a good time. I can’t risk going off of my meds. I’m already rapid cycling enough as it is. I don’t think any time will ever be the right time for me, actually. I’m not really the most stable, patient, or reliable person out there. If I can’t even take care of myself what makes me think I’m qualified to take care of a little kid that would depend on me for everything? I think my decision to have a kid was made during a borderline manic episode. I know I was definitely hypomanic.
I really don’t know what I want. I change my mind so much, and this is a big decision to make. I do know, that now is not a good time though. I would like to be a bit more stable and know that if I need to come off of or switch some meds around that I won’t totally lose it. At this point, I would definitely lose it. Plus, I don’t know even know if I can have kids so to go through the heartbreaking mess of fertility treatments and what not… I just don’t know if I can say it’s worth it at this point.
I need to find something to do to distract myself for a little while, but I am not quite sure what to do. I could work on an article, but I had so many people put doubt in my head and tell me that, “Oh, watch they are not even going to pay you and you just wasted your time.” So, now that they day is here, I am, I don’t know, I kind of don’t want to do anything until I know it’s real. I don’t even know if that makes any sense.
This anxiety just keeps building, and for no apparent reason. I don’t even know all the reasons why I feel anxious in the first place. I wish I could have just stayed sleeping for a few more hours. This is like torture to me right now. I just don’t know what to do with myself, and I just can’t seem to focus. I am fighting the urge to jump from topic to topic, even just right now in my writing.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.