The Adventure Begins
I am finally getting back to normal, and I love it! I was in such a bad spot with that depressive episode. Sleep was impossible, but that was all I wanted to do. I couldn’t sleep because my mind would not stop racing with all these horrible negative thoughts. I didn’t want to do anything, go anywhere, or even see anyone. I just wanted to disappear, and I was making plans to do so. I don’t think I ever felt that low in my life. I thought it was going to last forever, that I would be trapped inside my own mind thinking all these crazy things.
Depression is no joke. It can be debilitating and take over your entire life. With depression, you can compare the pain to losing a loved one, or breaking up with the love of your life. The agony of depression sometimes feels like a blow to your chest, and it takes your breath away. You try to get air into your lungs but can’t. Or as I like to say, it feels like you are drowning and can’t make your way to the surface.
I am just glad it’s over. I am paranoid though because I know that another episode is on the way and I know it is going to be mania. I never know when or how hard it is gonna hit. I am already starting to feel a little hypomanic. I am up and happy, a little too happy. I just want to keep doing stuff and not go to sleep. I am rapid cycling, and even my therapist noticed it.
I am so happy with my writing job too. My editor keeps telling me that I am doing a great job. It makes me feel good. I even got a raise. I am like ecstatic with everything. At this very moment in time, everything seems to be going perfectly. How long will this all last though? Nothing ever stays good for me, and that is a proven fact. I mean just looking at previous posts shows that.
I also just turned 31 on August 4th. I was told that I could not have children at the age of 19 due to PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) unless I had fertility treatments. All my life I wanted at least one baby. Then when I got with Mike, my current boyfriend, I got it in my head that I don’t want children and that I was okay with that.
Now that I started writing for Babygaga and writing about pregnancy, babies, and parenting, I have baby on the brain. My boyfriend already has two kids and said that he did not want anymore for the longest time. We have been together 5 years as of June 1st, 2017. Mike and had a long talk last night and we decided to try to have a baby.
I honestly don’t know if I can. I have to call my doctor and see about going on fertility treatments. I had asked my GYN before if it were possible (a new doctor from when I was 19) and she said we could try a few things and see. I hope I am not setting myself up for failure. I am getting up there in age and I know I am running out of time, or at least it feels that way to me. It’s like all of a sudden I can hear that stupid biological clock ticking. Tick Tock, Tick Tock. It’s like yeah, F you, shut up already!
I am going to have to make a lot of changes in my life if this is really what I want to try to do this, and I am almost 100% certain I am. I have wanted this my entire life but could never have it. I had a devastating miscarriage in like 2011. It turned out to be a good thing because I hated who the father would have been. I just like even hated his face. 🙂 I still felt horrible though since I was so excited. I mean when I found out I was pregnant I was like in shock. I just started shaking and was like OMG OMG OMG. But after the shock passed I was ecstatic. I miscarried about 5 days later.
I have to start eating healthy, lose some weight, start on prenatal vitamins and extra folic acid because I heard that can help for people with PCOS, and so much more. I am actually really excited. I just hope my boyfriend does not get scared and change his mind because now, I really want this. I even started retaking my metformin because that also helps with PCOS.
I really hope I can keep this feeling of happiness for a little while. I feel like I finally deserve it. I am working hard and trying to make the best out of what I got right now. For me right now, I feel like the adventure begins. Let’s see how this goes. 😀
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.