Looking Up: For Today

I am too scared to say that my depression has lifted because I don’t want to get my hopes up. What I can say is that, for today, things are looking up. Just because I have had one good day, for the first time in weeks, does not mean that I am miraculously cured, but I guess it’s a start, right?

I have had my moments during the day when things felt hopeless and I just wanted to give up, in general, but today was okay for a change. I think that is because my articles have done excellent literally overnight. I am at almost 3 MILLION views for seven articles! For some people that might not seem like much, but for me, I wasn’t even expecting to get 100! This is so amazing to me! Today I have felt super motivated. I even got an article uploaded, an outline for my next one done, and even I signed up for another topic.

I really wish I could say this is the end of my depressive cycle, but I know it’s not. Nothing is ever that easy for me. Actually, if anything, I may even be slightly hypomanic today. If I want any sleep tonight, I will literally have to force myself somehow. 

Oh, while I am also thinking about, feel free to follow me on twitter! @SammyLove86

My mind is racing with so much that I want to get done that I feel like I just have not felt like doing, or have not had the energy to do when I know I should be trying to wind down since it is almost 1 am. At this point, a manic episode would be welcomed with opened arms as long as it was not another agitated manic episode like the last one I had. (for a refresher read My Nightmarish Manic Episode) That was horrible, but still more manageable than a depressive episode and much shorter as well!

I have been all over social media today from Facebook to Snapchat and even Twitter. Things I haven’t even used in a while I was on. I even took the time to promote my articles and try to come up with ways to help my mom, my one sister, and my friend (Dr. Jazmine (Project Save Hamp: Day 1) break into writing. (Okay, so maybe I am kind of hypomanic because obviously I just want to save the world today.) So, in order to help them and to give them a place provide some writing samples, I am offering them each an opportunity to do a guest blog post. 

I am not the best person in the world, I am not always the easiest person to even get a long with, or even love, but I am always trying to help people. I do care, and when I care about someone, I will do whatever I can to try to help them out. Even if I don’t know a person I will try to help them, and that is just the kind a woman I am.

I just feel like maybe, no definitely, I try to help people too much sometimes. Then, when I am the one in need, half the people that I have helped are nowhere to be found. I go above and beyond for too many people, and too many times I get screwed over in the end. I guess I just never learn. [(o_O) ← Supposed to be a little face, do you see it?]

I just really wish I could predict my mood so I could plan accordingly. I would know when I could to 2 articles a week compared to 5 or 6, I would know when I was going to isolate or be social. Everything in life would just be so much easier, right? I could have a more functional life. I could be a more functional person and maybe get along with people better. If only… If only life were that simple that life worked on your terms and not the other way around.

So, maybe since I am feeling okay it would be okay to admit that I had gone back to self-injury within the last week or two. I am not sure exactly how long ago, but it was only a matter of time, like everything else. I still use my Impulse Control Log but even that was not enough anymore. (For those who are or knows someone who self-injures please check out my previous post about creating an Impulse Control Log HERE. They really do help a bit.) Since I was using my ICL, I didn’t do it much. But I was really losing my flippin’ mind.

It is really difficult for me to be okay today and be able to admit, or even talk about, how depressed I truly am. It’s bad. Like, really bad. Being in it is one thing, but being okay, for now, and seeing how close to the edge I truly am is another. I just have to try to listen to Good Charlotte’s “Hold On” or something like I used to do, because I am so, so close to the edge. I really, really hope that today is a sign that this episode is almost over because it truly is getting hard to hold on. I cannot remember the last time I have been this bad or felt this bad. It’s been years. I feel like everything I do lately just hits that much harder.

Since all my problems seem to truly triple and have gotten so, so much worse since I gave up drinking altogether, the way I truly, deeply feel about it at this point is F it… I no longer care about remaining sober. I know that will piss a lot of people off. However, my boyfriend threatened to kick me out, again, if I return to drinking, even only on holidays and special occasions, so I feel like I have no choice but to remain sober. I am not happy about it though. I feel like less of an adult too, which probably sounds pretty childish at this point.

I don’t know what I want to do regarding a lot of stuff right now. I have a lot of thinking to do. Just a week ago I had planned to end up like Chester, in all honesty. I gave up all hope and felt like I had nothing left to live for. I don’t know how I keep expecting things to change if I don’t make a change. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I am not going to lie, I am scared shitless of change because I am scared that I will make the wrong decision about something, anything, and make things worse. 

Half the time I cannot even decide what I want to eat because what if I don’t like what I pick? I make everything so damned complicated and harder than it has to be and I get myself all worked up over it. I don’t even feel like a real person half the time.

There is a lot I don’t say to anyone in fear of making people mad or because I am worried about what a certain person will say or do when maybe I should just try to use my own voice every now and then. I used to be very vocal but I have been so mentally and emotionally abused by too many people that I fear everything. I fear rocking the boat and making things worse on myself in the end. I let people control me when I F-ing hate being controlled and I know it will cause me or my depression to worsen in the end.

I let people call my stupid and dumb all the time. I have even started to believe it, and I now believe that I am too stupid to do anything right. Even I have a list of 20 things and know how to do 15, that is still not good enough for me and I will that I do not know how to do anything right.

How does a person, a woman, bounce back from so much mental and emotional abuse? I need some serious help with this. I am damaged good, and I would like to get better now.

-Samantha♥