I had to repeatedly remind me that it’s okay to do nothing over and over this entire weekend. While my laptop was… down… I didn’t get any writing done so I spent the entire weekend vegging out with Mike and binge-watching OITNB. (yes, I LOVE OITNB… die-hard fan!!!) Do I really have to wait an entire year waiting for another season?! Seriously? I want to know what happens now! Now, what will I pass my time with when I am not mindlessly tapping away at my keyboard???
I am still in a severe depressive state but there isn’t a thing I can really do about that at the moment. I see my psychiatrist on 8/2/17, so until then I just have to make it through each moment when I have my downs. I guess that’s all anyone can really do when they are in a depressive episode, is trying to make it through the day.
I still believe that when a person is truly bipolar that they never get better (100%) because they spend their entire life waiting for the next high or low. I have mentioned that to my doctors over and over, even when I was baseline. As a matter of fact… I can clearly remember a doctor laughing with me as I said that too before I went on vacation. Being bipolar is a constant waiting game when you are baseline… you know that high or low is going to hit but you never know how hard or when.
Either way, I have to start getting back on track now… I had a few days off and I am feeling completely lazy and unmotivated. Actually, I have not been that into writing, in general, these past few days. I need to journal, I need to do something. I need to get creative for my own sanity. Even this blog entry is kind of forced but kind of not. Does that even make any sense? Probably not… I need to sit down with a pen in my hand and make an actual journal entry or something. I cannot remember the last time I have done that. (Remember my post about Journaling And Mental Illness yes, I need to do that!)
My very first article actually have close to 1 MILLION views! I cannot believe it! That is simply amazing! I never imagined anything that I would have ever created would have spread that far around. I still do not consider myself to be anything close to an okay writer. My editor also keeps sending me back articles and telling me that medical articles don’t do well when I am noticing otherwise for me the articles that are not doing well are the ones that are the new style articles. Actually, the article with almost 1 Million Views is 12 Things That Can Affect The Baby’s Face While Pregnant I still kind of think that is because I messed up so bad in that article lol.
I am going to try to start bringing back some of the mental health stuff that I used to add in here. The tips and techniques and helpful stuff… it has just been very hard between my own moods and not taking my own advice, my articles, and everything else. I can offer the best advice to everyone, I just can’t take it my own advice. The same goes for therapists. They could be the best therapist in the world, but they can’t counsel themselves. I can do so much for everyone, I can just never seem to get my own shit together. I have tried everything I have written in here for tips and techniques and some days it works and some days it doesn’t.
I guess that is why I have such a laundry list of stuff to try… I just wish I had something to help get me out of this funk I am in now. I just feel like every time I dive into a depression the dive gets deeper and deeper. What’s going to happen the next time I take the leap? What’s going to happen if something else goes wrong while I am still under right now? I have so many questions but not enough answers.
This is not a fun place to be at right now. I want to find my way back to the surface but the water is so murky that I cannot get a clear view up to the top. &%$#! I might be fine now and then but something always snaps me back to my reality and I remember how cruddy everything it. There is a lot that I still don’t let out to anyone. I just want to find someone who I can talk to. Everyone goes through stuff… unfortunately, I just happen to go through stuff several times a year. #mybipolarmind
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.