July 20, 2017
Sometimes I don’t even know where to start word-wise. I will have so much to say or have so much going on inside my head but I will be at a loss of where to actually start… and that is what is happening to me right now. My emotions are on overload. When I think that things are getting better, or that maybe things will be okay, reality slaps me in the face and laughs at me and reminds me that nothing is okay. Nothing will ever be okay.
Yes, I know, this is just a depressive episode. Key word being episode and that things will get better. I get that, I really do. But when I think about it, and look at the bigger picture, technically nothing is ever okay because no matter what, there will ALWAYS be ANOTHER depressive episode to follow at a later time. It’s guaranteed in my life. Thanks, bipolar disorder… I love you too.
So I get to go on and think that things are getting better and that I am getting better and that life is full of laughter and joy, and all is fine and dandy… and then one day… it’s just not. Then I am back to this. And I am sad again. I will hate life again. I will want to just run away from everything, and everyone again. I will lose my spark for life. So wtf is the point if it will always turn back to this in the end? This is total nonsense to have to continue to deal with this every couple of weeks, or months, or however long this disorder decides to give me before it decides to knock me down again.
I was having a really good day hanging out with my best friend again, and then I went home and had to deal with the unnecessary bullshit that made no sense at all. I was told that if I did not start going out that I had to leave my home, so I went out and had a good time. Afterward, had come home to get yelled at because my boyfriend didn’t want to come home to an empty house… after he told me he didn’t want me to isolate… I was just doing what I was told.
So the argument began… the tears began… the depression worsened… I wanted to fade away, to just disappear or become so small and unnoticeable. A friend sent me a text message and just said hey and asked how I was doing and I said not good and we just started talking and she calmed me down a little, which I want to thank her for because I was hysterical. I tried selling her my books. (I don’t know what it is with my books lately. I think it has something to do with the fact that they are something that means the most to me and to get rid of them signifies how done I am with everything… not sure but maybe.)
I am so up and down today. When I am up, I’m UP… but when I’m down… I am so down that it isn’t even funny. I don’t even know where I am, mood wise, right now as I write this. I feel lost in some kind of limbo. I am not okay, but I not bad either. I don’t know what I feel. I don’t even know if it would be classified as numb. A part of me wants to laugh and the other part of me wants to cry and then another part of me feels nothing. I feel like I am broken into sections.
Then… hearing about the suicide of Chester from Linkin’ Park is like surreal and freaking nuts. I love Linkin’ Park and almost every song they came out with is f-ing amazing. Their song “Heavy” that they came out with not too long ago, hits home for me all too well. It is like they cracked open my head and peeked around because that is exactly what goes through my head half the time. If you have never heard that song before, you seriously need to listen to it and look up the lyrics. And this Part:
“You say that I’m paranoid
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me
It’s not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so f**king messy”
That is me 100%. I do always feel like the world is out to get me, and I sure as hell don’t make this choice to like my mind stay so f-ing messy either, and it is messy. My whole mind set is screwed up. I just don’t want to be me anymore. I am sick of being me. Can’t I be someone else now? Can’t I have a new life now? I broke this life, and I really don’t think that I can fix it anymore. It’s not like I haven’t tried because I have. I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore.
Wow, some people argue with me about this but I think it takes bravery and courage to be able to actually follow through with a suicide. So, I guess I have to give Chester credit for that because a lot of people get scared and back out at the last second. It takes guts to be able to follow through with that little voice in the back of your head nagging at you, telling you that it is not too late to turn back or that maybe things will get better even though you know they really will not.
I feel like this black cloud is following me around, or this black shadow, and it is just waiting for me. It is consuming every ounce of energy that I have. It is trying to take me down further into this depression until I can see nothing but pitch black darkness. It will not allow any light to shine through. I honestly do not know what will happen if this shadow catches me because it is so close to me that I can feel its icy breath on my neck.
I don’t even know what part of this depressive episode I am in. I don’t know if I am in the beginning, middle, or end. I am hoping that I am not at the beginning because I don’t think I will be able to stand to feel any worse than I do and still make it out alive.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.