July 19, 2017
My bipolar ride has finally taken me back to the lower end and I completely hate it. I knew the random manic highs I was getting weren’t going to last forever and that I would eventually crash to the lower side and now I am here and of course now everything looks bleak and gray.
I was isolating before because of my writing, but now I want to totally isolate and my boyfriend told me that he isn’t going to have that. A Requirement for me is to get out of the house every now and then or I can leave. Gray, everything just looks so gray. Dark clouds hover everything and I try to force myself to be social.
I was able to actually have a good time with my best friend today and it felt amazing. I was about to pull myself out of the darkness for a short period of time. As soon as she left everything started to fade to darkness again. I am drowning in the darkness. This bipolar ride is the worst thing ever and I just want it to stop.
My thoughts race with everything negative in my life and I cannot think of anything good. I don’t even have the ambition to write, and I notice that my writing is turning to complete sh*t and I wouldn’t be surprised if no one wanted to read any of it. My creative muse had also faded to the darkness and I cannot find it. I have no motivation to do anything at all. I am starving but I don’t even have it in my to eat a real meal.
I feel like I am just here… that’s it. I exist to do nothing. Everything just makes me want to cry and I feel like I cannot be myself. I feel like I always have to be someone else. I got so low earlier that I just wanted to start getting rid of all my sh*t. I love my books. I am an avid reader, and my books are like my babies. I do not like to loan them out because I fear I will never get them back or that the person I loan to will not treat them with respect… yet out of nowhere I burst out with, “I want to sell my books.” Where the hell did that come from?! Now, that is low. That is depression. The darkness had engulfed me fully. I was dead serious when I said it too.
At this current moment in time, I do not feel that low. I feel low, but I want to keep my books at this point in time. Check back later though.
I feel like everything I have done in the past few months has been a massive mistake and that I have ruined my life completely. I should have never let my break down after my old job affect me the way it did and I should have never left my old job. I I need the money, and apparently, my boyfriend thinks I made a mistake when he was the one who said he was going to back me up completely.
I just… I don’t know. I feel like I %#*&ed up now and ruined anything after my boyfriend so nicely told me that I have gotten worse, mentally, since I stopped drinking but that I am not allowed to start drinking again and that I am just a miserable person to be around and that I am making him miserable and bringing him down.
Hearing all that just made my depressive episode all that much worse. I seriously don’t know what to say to that. I guess it is all true. I am a miserable person who does nothing but brings everyone else down all because I am down.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.