July 9, 2017 by Samantha
I am not exactly sure how I have been feeling lately. Probably all over the place per my usual self, I guess. I have not been able to keep up with blogging lately, I am slammed with articles between BabyGaga.com and ghostwriting. I am trying to do both and it is taking a serious toll on me. I tried telling the lady I am ghostwriting for that I can only do 2-3 articles for her a week and I basically for chewed out so I need to try to find a way to maintain 6 articles a week for them. But honestly, it is not worth the pay and headache anymore.
I only make $1/400 words for them. That is literally nothing. I would make more working in a sweat shop somewhere. Okay, well, maybe not literally but who knows. I have been connecting with a lot of other writers on Facebook lately through some groups I have joined, and I sent out a bunch of my samples and got some amazing feedback and have been told that I was an inspiration twice in one day!
Someone even told me that with my quality work, my articles are worth $100 a piece easily. I was like, wait… what? Me? Seriously? NO FREAKNIG WAY!? I guess I have some potential. I just don’t see it in myself thanks to my ultra low self-esteem. When you have been told you are worthless, and can’t do anything right your whole life by multiple people, you start to believe it yourself. It gets ingrained in every fiber of your being.
I must be doing something right somewhere here. I just need to keep at it, I guess. I even had someone ask me to mentor them. I am new to all of this myself, but I said I would I told him everything that I knew and I told him how I got to the point where I am… which isn’t very far, yet. I am determined to make something of myself. I just don’t know how yet. I have a story to tell, and I have been telling it through my blog. Well, parts of it… a lot of it. But there is still a lot more I don’t say on here, believe it or not.
I Made It To My 3 Months Sober…
So I made it to my 3-months sober, and I am not as happy about it as I thought I would be. I am more doubtful of myself. I was really excited when everyone at the meeting congratulated me and everything, and so did my family. I don’t know. I don’t want to do this anymore. I know I should. I am not saying I am doing to pick up a drink this minute. I just have to live one moment at a time right now since I am having so much doubt.
My friend looked up the definition of an alcoholic and said that I am definitely not an alcoholic. I gave her my reasons as to why I am, that it’s not normal to not be able to put a drink down. That once I start I cannot stop. She has seen at my at my worst. She has gotten calls from me in the middle of the night that she needed to come over because I was drunk and slit my wrist. That is not normal behavior. It is not normal to cry, and I mean literally cry because someone cut you off or because you couldn’t drink. I have a problem and I admit that.
I just want one more time. Just one more time. The last time I drank, I didn’t know that was going to be my last time or I would have drunk more. I would have tried to have more fun. I don’t know. One. More. Time. My boyfriend keeps telling me is I relapse he will kick me out. I don’t know if he thinks that’s being supportive but it just makes me feel worse and just makes me want to drink one last time until everything goes away. That sounds pretty horrible, doesn’t it?
I wish I knew if it were normal to feel this way in early sobriety. I feel like I am always doubting myself. I guess on a good note I may have found another sponsor. I have to give her a call today. I prewarned her that I am bipolar. No surprises this time. She seemed fine with it. Sometime this week coming up, I am supposed to go to her house so we could meet up. I am already nervous about that and it hasn’t even happened yet.
Ugh, I still want one last time so bad. I wonder what time is too early to call someone from AA? I think I really need to talk to someone. That is beside the fact though. I definitely am not going to pick up a drink. My mind is just racing with thoughts. Bad though, nonetheless, but just thoughts. Time to do some of the thought changing that I have posted on here. Maybe even write a gratitude list.