When I agreed to become a ghostwriter I didn’t realize that I would take it so hard once I started seeing another author take claim for all of my hard work. It’s that simple. The other day, I don’t know why, but I decided to search for the articles that I had written on the site I was writing for and there they were… right in front of me… word for word. Only, they were under someone else’s name. Of course, they were because I was a ghostwriter. A nobody. A legit nobody who would never have their name next to an article that they would actually get paid for.
It was like a stab right to the chest. It took my breath away and I just felt completely horrible. Every article I looked up had the same authors name too. She was really making out good with my writing. Then I started to get jealous and started to wonder if she ever wrote anything a day in her life? I went to another website I had written something for and sure enough, my article was there too with her name. I think maybe I would not have felt all that bad if it would have been for different people but it’s the same girl.
I know that this is what ghostwriter’s do, okay? I get that. What I don’t get… Is why am I taking this so damn hard? This actually really hurts for some reason? I feel like I have worked so hard, so hard and for absolutely nothing. I’m working hard to make her look good. But damn I really need this right now.
I may have already overreacted and done something that I may not be able to do damage control on by personally applying to one of those sites as a writer. And on the application where it asks, “How would you make a great contributor and can you should us an example of your work.” I may have replied by saying something of the sorts, “I am already a ghostwriter for a contributing author on this site. I have worked on XXXX article.” So I don’t know how and if this could affect anything. I could have screwed myself thanks to my bipolar mind. FML.
I have a few articles due, and one well overdue, but I just don’t have it in me. It’s like all the passion I had to write for said person is gone. I should just end my contact but I don’t necessarily want to do that either. I feel stuck. I want to end the contract because I want to be able to start to create my own content and get my own name out there, and creating content for this company is taking up a lot of my time. (I should be working on that overdue article, but I took time out of that to write this. I need some me time.) But on the other hand, I do want to continue to write for this company because I could still use the experience. Also, I could use the (minimal) paycheck right now.
I just feel torn and heartbroken. I wish someone could have told me that it was going to hurt this much seeing someone else take credit for my hard work. This way I could have at least tried to prepare myself, or my heart, so that it wouldn’t have been this painful or something. I don’t think there would have truly been a way to prepare me though because everyone is different, and every mind if different. It’s just not fair to me.
I feel useless and used. I feel like I will never amount to anything myself and that I am always a bouncing board for everyone else. I feel like maybe I don’t even actually have any talent, that I am the second rate, so that is why I have to settle for helping boost someone else. My mind is automatically jumping to all of these negative things that may or may not be true, but that feels true to me in the moment.
I wish someone could just tell me if what I am feeling is normal or not. Right now I just harboring a sh*t ton of resentment and I really don’t like it. I wish I could just go back to before I looked anything up and realized that my articles were… I don’t know. I knew what the hell my job was, so I don’t even know why this is upsetting me. I guess this is just a whole lot of jealousy. Maybe that’s what this is. Jealousy. But I am more than just jealous. I am legitly hurt. I really, really hate my bipolar mind sometimes. It just sucks.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.