My Panic Attack: June 26, 2017
With my emotions running ramped, it is not surprising that I am having panic attacks. It’s also not surprising that they are back to back. What is surprising, is that the fact that looking into my kitchen, and seeing that it was a mess and realizing that I need to get the dishes done and clean up while still getting my articles done sent me into a horrible, full-blown panic attack. It was the tiniest thing sent me into the deep end.
I am still feeling overwhelmed, and it is really getting to me. I am trying to remain positive when all I want to do is give up. My PTSD is getting to me, my low self-esteem is getting to me, my mood swings are getting to me, my having to deal with my emotions because I am not sober is getting to me, everything is getting to me. I feel alone again even though I have people there for me and I was shown that today.
I was on the phone with my mom this morning and I was upset and crying off and on since the little things make me cry. I can’t stop the waterworks. I just want this to stop. It’s driving me insane. My mom was breaking stuff down for me to do, and I decided to try what she was saying.
I walked into my kitchen, like I said above, and started crying, walked into my bedroom and started hyperventilating. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was being choked, or like I was drowning, deep into the water. I started crying harder. I text my mom, told her I can’t go into the kitchen anymore and that it gave me a panic attack. It was so hard to text. The panic attack subsided rather quickly.
Then my as mom called me, another panic attack started and I couldn’t breathe again due to the fact that I started to hyperventilate and cry hysterically again. I felt like I was going to die, literally. My mom was on the other end of the phone trying to calm me down, then she said she was coming right over, and that she would be there in 20 minutes. The panic attack didn’t last too long and subsided again., but the tears were still there.
I avoided my kitchen like the plague, but another panic attack came about. My chest started to feel tight, my breathing became rapid, I started to feel panicky, and tears began to drop even more. Next thing I know, I am crying hysterically, I am in such a panic. The way it feels is compared to being told that a loved one has just died, or that your worst nightmare has just come true and you just wish it were over or you just feel like you are about to die. I start breathing so hard that I start to hyperventilate, and it feels like someone is strangling me and I have to fight for air. I just can’t breathe or catch my breath. I start to get dizzy from not being able to breathe right, and I feel like I am going to faint. Then all of a sudden, it starts to feel better little by little, and my breathing slows down a tad. And as sudden as it came on it was gone.
When my mom arrived, I was a little calmer but still a mess. I was still crying at every little thing. Why am I such a mess? I hate this. I don’t know if this all my bipolar or something else entirely. I am so glad my mom came over. She was able to calm me down a lot more and help me get me kitchen from being in such disarray. We talked about a lot and she suggested few powerful things to me that maybe I will eventually share. I didn’t want her to leave when it was time for her to go though because I didn’t want to be alone with my own thoughts.
After my mom left, everything got a bit better for a little at least. It’s always something bringing me down though, and even as I am writing this, yet, another situation has arisen. I just can’t deal.
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.