Today was a pretty bland day for me. I don’t think I really left the beach house we were staying at, except for stopping and picking up pizza. I really isolated today. In my defense though, the weather was pretty crappy. It was windy and cloudy. I was also assigned 6 new articles today which are all due within the next 6 days. I don’t know how I am supposed to be on “vacation” while still attempting to get all 6 articles done.
I was not even sure I would be able to post anything on here today as well. I planned on going directly to sleep after I finished today’s article, however, my brain did not want to shut down afterward. So here I am after 3 am.
I was able to get out of tonight’s dinner party obligation due to the weather, and I am actually very proud of myself. I was left alone, with a bunch of alcohol and I did not touch any of it. I would be lying if I said the thought never crossed my mind. The only thing that matters is that I did not touch any of it no matter how much I wanted too.
I need to try to find balance in my life because the way I am doing things right now…. it is just not going to work for much longer. I stay up until all hours of the morning working on articles, sleep a few hours, and then do it all over again. In the process, I am isolating. I am not really going to meetings anymore either. Then again, since I am on vacation that is not much of an issue at this very moment. (I am more so referring to when I was at home regarding the meetings.)
Tomorrow, I need to try not to isolate so much. I need to try to actually get out to the beach during normal waking hours. I need to try to do something worthwhile. But also at the same time, I need to place enough time to the side so that I am able to finish my article as well.
I’ve mildly struggled with urges to use today, but as the night (early morning) wears on, and I notice that sleep is not coming, the urges grow that much more. I know that if I were to just get wasted that I could knock out right now and just finally be able to sleep. I’ve been watching a drunk person have a decent time for the past hour or so now, and I am just completely jealous. I can’t help but ask myself:
Why Can’t I Be Normal?
Well, I guess that’s how it goes though right?
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.