I haven’t really been able to add many posts or updates recently even though I’ve really been meaning too. I’ve just had a lot going on lately, so I figured that while I was awake at 2:30 am I would finally post my first update in a while.
My hard work, and last manic episode (which you can read about here), finally paid off for me! I got my first paid writing job through Upwork! It pays next to nothing, but I could care less right now! Someone took a chance on me and gave me this wonderful opportunity to get my foot in the door, and is allowing me to gain experience! Everyone has to start somewhere. I am ecstatic!
I spend almost all day, every day writing my assigned articles. When I was interviewed for the writing position I was told that it would be ghost writing, so, unfortunately, my name will not be anywhere on the article or site that they are getting posted on unless they change their minds or I am mistaken. I get assigned about 6 articles a week for a pregnancy and parenting website, which is ironic since I don’t have any kids. It requires a lot of research for the most part and that it what takes up most of my time. I love it though!
I also got a really great email the other day from someone at Domainite who must have really liked the writing sample I sent them, because they got back to me and apologized for not getting in touch with me sooner, and she explained that it has been slow client wise. Then she told me about another company that was hiring writers and that I should apply with that company. She also said she told them that I would be in contact with them so that they would prioritize my application, and that I should send them a sample of my writing. When I went to this company’s website, I saw that they pay their writer’s $50 an article! I wish I knew which sample I actually sent to Domainite. I must have done it during my manic episode because I have no recollection of it at all. My writing is definitely NOT worth $50 a piece, but I submitted a sample article anyway. I’m keeping my fingers crossed! Wish me luck with this one!
On another note, I hit my two months sober mark on Thursday (5/8/17). I went with a new, and quickly becoming good, friend to a Dual Recovery Anonymous meeting and she surprised me by giving me her two-month coin (she’s about 5 years sober I believe) and told me that she hopes it brings me as much luck as it brought her. I was just like, aww. That was very sweet of her, and it really did mean a lot to me. It probably meant a lot more to me than she even realized. It’s the little simple things in life that mean a lot to me.
On a not-so-good note, I no longer have a sponsor. That did not last very long at all. I had gotten so wrapped up in my writing the past week and a half that I kept forgetting to call her at appropriate hours. By the time I would realize that I forgot to call it would be well after 10 pm, and she goes to bed earlier than I do, so unless it’s an emergency I won’t call her past 9:30-10pm. The last time I had actually had a conversation with her was June 2nd. Fast forward to the 8th, I try to call her and I get sent to voicemail so I leave her a message and she never called me back.
Then today I finally get a hold of her and she seems really, really mad or disappointed. She explains that I was supposed to call every day, I try to explain about writing, and getting wrapped up in my own little world, and things that are common with people who are bipolar. She just didn’t want to hear it. I explained to her that I am actually doing really good, that I am staying out of trouble, I am taking my meds, I am staying sober, and that I even hit my 2 months clean. I just felt like she wasn’t hearing me. I feel like I am in an okay place right now. Minus my regular ups and downs associated with my mental illnesses of course.
She told me that I need to do the 90 meetings in 90 days. I explained that for me, that really is not logical because I do not have my own car anymore. I have to rely on rides from people. I also can’t afford to give people gas money to drive me around every day either. That’s when I guess she had enough of me. She pretty much told me that I am not gonna stay clean, that I am not committed to staying clean, and that she can no longer help me or be there for me (however she worded it, but you get the gist).
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that she does not know how to handle someone like me. Someone with a serious mental illness, because before me she never had a sponsee who had this many mental and emotional issues before. It was a learning experience for her. I tried my best to explain things, and I know she tried her best to understand things. I get it though, it is hard to understand something that you have never personally been through yourself or have cared for someone that went through it. I am not easy. I get that too.
It just sucks though because I recently just started trusting her and letting her in. I can’t help but feel like everyone that I let in eventually leaves. I don’t particularly want to go through it again with having to try to find a new sponsor, having to re-explain myself, my past, my mental illness, my drinking, learning to trust them, and so on. I feel like it would be a waste of time or something. I can’t help but to feel a little frustrated, hostile, and yet guilty all at the same time. I can’t blame just her, but I also can’t blame just me either. I didn’t put enough effort in, and she didn’t try hard enough to see things from my perspective and circumstances.
It’s just really bad timing though too because I am leaving for vacation in less than a week, and what does everyone usually do on vacation? They get wasted! I mean, between going to the beach and writing my articles, I know that I am going to be able to keep myself busy but that is not the point. The point is, that everyone around is going to be bombed. Oh well, no use thinking about that now I guess. Right? One day at a time.
I am going to be posting some of the articles that I have been creating just for fun and to add some variety. Maybe I’ll get lucky and someone will actually offer me some feedback and I can see where I need to improve!
Samantha is the author of "My Bipolar Mind: You're not alone," she is also a freelance writer, blogger, and mental health advocate who runs and manages her own mental health blog MyBipolarMind.com.